The presence of the past
by TheDragonflyInn
Summary: Rory dropped out of school and ran away with Jess when he came to Yale in season 4. Their relationship went crashing down after a year and she went back to Yale. At Yale she met Logan Huntzberger and fell for him. At her graduation he asks her to marry him, but before moving on with her future, she needs to revisit her past.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Rory dropped out of school and ran away with Jess when he came to Yale in season 4. Their relationship went crashing down after a year and she went back to Yale. At Yale she met Logan Huntzberger and fell for him. At her graduation he asks her to marry him, but before moving on with her future, she needs to revisit her past.

Good to know before starting to read:

Rory's and Logan's relationship and how they met are kind of similar to the show. What you might need to know beforehand is that she didn't intern for Logan's dad, thus she didn't start doubting herself and drop out of Yale (again).

She and Jess haven't met since their relationship crashed, meaning he didn't show up with his book and therefore she and Logan didn't get into a fight and he never cheated on her and of course Jess didn't invite her to an open house in Philadelphia either.

As for the time frame, picture that about a year went by between seasons 4 and 5, and of course: the Dean-second-time-around thing didn't happen.

As for everyone else: Luke, Lorelai, Chris, April and everyone not mentioned, things went down pretty much as in the show.

Everything else in their history that's important, will be in the story in the shape of flashbacks. Also, to make it easier to follow a story hopping from present to past times, all the flashbacks will be in italics.

_A/N I know that by posting this I now have four on-going stories, but what can I say: my muse is suffering from a great deal of decisions anxiety, she's actually quite uncontrollable at this point!_

_I started writing this story after watching one of my favorite rom-com movies, I won't tell you which one it is, since that might ruin the plot. If you figure it out, well…then you know what's ahead of you!_

_Anyway, I know I said I have a lot of things going on and won't be able to update very frequently (that still goes by the way, at least for another couple of weeks or so) so I can understand how you probably are a bit disappointed that when I finally find the time to write I write something completely new instead of updating the already posted stories. I'm sorry about that, but trust me when I say that I always finish what I've started, so there won't be any unfinished stories, and this story won't be that long and I have been writing on it for quite some time and I have the plot pretty much figured out already._

_Enough with the excuses and onto the story!_

_Some conversation in this prologue is borrowed from Season 4, episode 21 "Last week fights, this week tights"_

* * *

**Prologue**_** - 3 years ago**  
_

* * *

_"Look, you know we're supposed to be together." Jess pleaded with a desperate voice. "I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it too. I know you do."_

_"No." Rory shook her head. Why was he doing this to her? She had finally picked up the pieces after he broke her heart the last time. She couldn't do this. "No, no, no, no!"_

_"Don't say 'no' just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say 'no' if you really don't want to be with me."_

_"I can't do that Jess. You know that." She felt tears stinging behind her eyes and tried to hold them back. "I want to be with you, but not like this. I have school, I have friends and family here, I…I have my life here. My future."_

_He nodded and looked down at the floor and then up at her again. "I guess that's a no." He started backing away._

_"It's not a definite no." She tried, desperation running through her body at the sight of him walking away from her. "It's…It's a no for now. Not forever."_

_He shrugged his shoulder. "What's the difference?" The look on his face before he turned around and walked out the door explained that it wasn't a question that demanded an answer._

_She sat down on one of the boxes and buried her face in her hands, crying. Why did it have to be like this? Why should she have to choose between her future and love? Why couldn't she have both? Why was he being so unreasonable?_

Rory sighed and stared out the window as the bus drove into Stars Hollow. It looked the same. She had been gone for a year and the town still looked the same. Somehow she had imagined it would look different.

She got up from her seat when the bus stopped at the center of town and grabbed the suitcase on the seat next to her and got off the bus.

She stood on the side of the street and inhaled a deep breath through her nose. It smelled the same as well: fresh. She had missed the fresh air in Stars Hollow. New York may have a lot of things, but they definitely lacked the fresh air that flowed through the small town of Stars Hollow.

A feeling of defeat and sorrow filled her as she let the breath out. How could things ever have gotten this messed up? She sighed again and started walking with determined steps towards her mother's house. She walked fast; as if she was afraid she might jump onto the bus and go back to New York if she didn't move away from it quick enough.

_She hadn't walked far from her dorm room before she spotted him at a bench close to the parking lot. He was sitting, leaned back against the bench, staring up into the sky. She walked up to him and sat down next to him. He didn't even flinch, he just kept staring at the sky. She leaned back and followed suit, neither of them saying a word._

_"Where would we live?" She asked after a while, breaking the silence._

_In the corner of her eye, she could see his head moving when he changed his eyes' focus from the stars above them to her face. She swallowed and watched the sky intently, waiting for his answer._

_"My mother sublet her apartment when she and TJ moved to Stars Hollow. The current tenant is moving out at the end of the month. Liz is friends with the landlord and if I want to, they'll sign the lease on to me. Or us, if that's what you want."_

_She nodded and met his eyes. "I'm scared."_

_"Of what?"_

_"I'm scared that if I leave Yale, I'll never come back, I'll never graduate, I'll never be a real journalist."_

_He nodded. "So don't leave."_

_She shook her head. "I'm scared that if I don't, I'll lose you."_

_"You'll never lose me."_

_She shook her head again. "But that's not fair to you; asking you to wait on the sidelines while I'm out having the whole college-experience. I can't ask that of you. I can't ask you to put your life on hold until I'm ready."_

_"So come with me." He sighed and got up from the bench and looked down at her. "Rory, I can't make this decision for you. You have to decide for yourself. Look…" He picked up a torn notebook and a pen from his back pocket, scribbled some numbers down on one of the pages and then ripped the page out and handed it to her. "…I have until Friday to make a decision about the apartment. If you don't call me, I'll assume the answer is no."_

Rory slowed down her steps and came to a full stop as she entered the driveway in front of her mother's house. She took a deep breath as to strengthen herself before starting up again, walking towards the front door.

She closed her eyes and tried to push back the tears that threatened to leave her eyes at the thought of what she left behind. The thought of how she gave up.

She shook the thoughts away and opened her eyes and knocked on the door, hoping her mother would welcome her back without actually uttering the words 'I told you so'.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: So, yesterday when I posted the prologue I kind of had the first chapter already written, I just needed to re-watch the episode "Unto the Breach" to make sure I didn't miss anything important for the rest of the story. Now I've done it and I don't think I've missed anything important, so here it is!_

Just to clarify: The prologue in the previous chapter takes place about 3 years before the story starts, which it does in this chapter.

_The first lines of this chapter are borrowed from Logan's actual proposal in season 7, episode 21 "Unto the Breach" and so is the conversation between Paris and Rory later on in this chapter. _

_Some lines in a flashback later on are borrowed from season 5, episode 22 "A house is not a Home"._

* * *

_._

* * *

"Rory Gilmore" Logan said slowly as he opened the small velvet box he held in his hands before her. "Will you marry me?"

Rory looked from the box to Logan and back again. "Um…um, wow" She turned to her side and let her eyes wander over the crowd standing before them, she met her mother's eyes staring back at her and tried to read the expression in them. They had none. She turned back towards Logan and the ring. "Um, wow. I—wow."

Logan bent his head down with a smile on his face, trying to catch her eyes. "Is there a yes in between those 'wows'?"

The room was completely silent as they all waited for her answer. She didn't dare to look at the crowd before them. A touch of disappointment due to Logan's choice of moment to propose flittered through her body; it was so impersonal somehow to do it front of all these people. But then again; Logan had always been one for making grand gestures.

She shook her thoughts away. "Yes." She whispered and a wide smile spread across her face as she looked up and met his eyes and repeated the word. "Yes, there is."

Logan smiled and threw his arms around her, lifting her up in the air and swirling her around. "I love you" He whispered as he put her down and crashed his lips towards hers.

Wow. She thought, unable to evoke any wordier thoughts. Wow. There was a myriad of feelings rushing through her body at light's speed, almost making her dizzy.

She could hear the crowd of people in front of them cheer, as if Logan just scored a goal in a game of football. No, she told herself, you're just being silly. In fact, proposing in front of all of her friends and family was actually a very sweet thing to do; to let them all be a part of this.

She looked around the room at the people cheering and smiling towards them. An uneasy feeling started spreading through her stomach as she met her mother's smile. No one else probably noticed anything, but no one else knew Lorelai the way Rory did.

Slowly, Lorelai made her way through the crowd of people towards Rory and Logan. "Congratulations" She said as she reached them and closed Rory in for a hug. A tight hug, too tight almost. "Or is it best wishes? I don't know, I always mix them up" Lorelai rambled on as she let go of her, still with a smile fixed on her face. Rory smiled back but felt her heart drop to the ground when she met her mother's eyes, confirming her suspicions: her smile didn't reach her eyes.

She looked at her mother and tried to make her eyes convey all those things she wanted to say. She wanted her to know that she was different now, that they were different and that it was okay for her as a mother to voice her concerns, if she had any. It was okay not to be thrilled about a life-turning event like this before you had had enough time to adjust to the thought.

"It's best wishes, Lorelai" Emily interrupted while cutting her way through the crowd. "You offer the bride-to-be your best wishes, you congratulate the groom. I'd think you should know that by now"

Lorelai rolled her eyes and smiled towards Rory behind her mother's back. This time the smile did reach her eyes and Rory returned it as her grandmother hugged her.

"I've had the servants bring champagne in, so in a minute we'd hopefully be having something to cheer in. I would have had the champagne waiting, if only I had gotten a hint on what's was going on here tonight" Emily said in direction of the couple, even though she was smiling she didn't really hide the fact that she was disappointed not to have been notified of Logan's plans in advance.

"I'm sorry Emily" Logan smiled and Rory could see her grandmother easing up when faced with his smile. "But you can't blame a man for wanting to keep his proposal plans secret"

Emily smiled back at him. "Of course not, Logan. Congratulations" She leaned forward and hugged him and then turned to Rory. "Best wishes" She hugged her again and Rory could have sworn she saw a tear of happiness in her grandmother's eyes before she turned around to make sure the servers had obeyed her orders and started bringing champagne and glasses out.

"Congratulations kiddo" Rory smiled as her father came up by her side.

"I think you're supposed to offer the bride best wishes" Lorelai said ironically while smiling towards him.

"Well, my best wishes then" He smiled towards Rory and then turned to shake Logan's hand.

"Silence!" She heard her grandmother's voice pleading over the crowded room. "If I could get everybody's attention I would like to propose a toast to Rory and Logan. Yale has yet again proved to be an excellent breeding ground for love" She smiled towards her husband. "To Rory and Logan" She raised her glass and met Rory's eyes with a smile.

"To Rory and Logan" A chorus of voices replied and several glasses were raised.

* * *

.

* * *

Finally able to slip away from everyone offering her their best wishes Rory sneaked out onto the patio. If one more person wanted to hug her or shake her hand or not so subtly tell her what a catch she made by snaring the Huntszberger heir she would surely lose her mind. She needed to breathe.

She took a few deep breaths and spotted her mother standing a few feet away, gazing into the sky. For a split second she thought about leaving her alone with her thoughts, but then quickly decided against it and walked up to her.

"Hey" She said tentatively and placed herself next to her.

"Hey" Lorelai replied and shot her a quick look before returning to gaze at the sky. "It's a nice night" She added after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah" Rory said, following her mother's gaze. "Listen…" She said and turned her attention from the sky towards Lorelai. "…I don't want you to feel that you have to pretend to be happy for me."

A miserable look shot across Lorelai's face as she turned towards Rory. "I _am_ happy for you, if this is what you want"

"It is" Rory nodded.

"Good. That's good." Lorelai nodded as well. "Then I'm happy for you"

Rory bit her lip and hesitated, but then decided that if they ever wanted to be as close as they once used to be she had to say what was on her mind. She had to let her mother know that it was okay to have opinions, that they had both matured enough to be able to handle not agreeing on everything, even on life-changing events.

"It would be okay, you know" She said while staring down at her hands in front of her. "…to not be happy about this. It is rather sudden, I would completely understand if you needed time to get used to the thought…to adjust. Especially after all that's happened between you and Luke and dad…" She saw the hurt in Lorelai's face as Luke's name was mentioned, but still decided to continue. "…and after what happened that time, with Jess…" She drifted off, waiting for her mother's reaction.

_ "I don't care if you love him! I don't care if he promised you the moon! Hell, I don't even care if he got you pregnant!"_

_"Mom!" Rory interjected._

_"You're not dropping out of school!"Lorelai continued, having taken no notice whatsoever about Rory's protests._

_"I already have!" Rory said and steadied her eyes to meet her mother's eyes._

_"You're making a mistake" Lorelai shook her head._

_"No, I'm not!" Rory argued. "This is normal! College kids take breaks like this all the time. You didn't go to college, so you don't understand" She knew it was a cheap shot and that her mother didn't deserve it, but it was true: she didn't understand._

_ "No, I didn't go to college." Her mother answered, her voice filled with held-back anger. "I wasn't lucky enough to go to college"_

_"Trust me, this is very normal" Rory tried to convince her mother. If only she could get her to understand that this wasn't forever. The dropping out part was just temporary, only until she and Jess could have a chance to figure everything out. _

_"No." Her mother's voice was stern. "You are not quitting Yale"_

_"Yes I am!"_

_"You're acting incredibly immature. And I know it's because you think you love him and that you think you'd lose him if you don't go with him, but you have to get a grip! This is too important! You've been working towards Yale your whole life"_

_"No. I was working towards Harvard my whole life"_

_"Okay, fine. Then go to Harvard. That's cool"_

_"I don't want to go to Harvard"_

_"Then go to Princeton or Stamford or Columbia!" Lorelai sighed and her voice sounded resigned as she continued. "Columbia is in New York, you could go there" _

_"No, I need time off. I'm still set on graduating from Yale, I just won't be doing it in the estimated time."_

_"If you leave Yale now, you'll never go back. You'll lose momentum."_

_"No. I won't. I'll still have momentum and I will go back. But I need to do this."_

_"I can't believe it" Lorelai shook her head again. "I can't believe he talked you into this; to giving up on your dreams."_

_Rory sighed. "I haven't given up on my dreams and he didn't talk me into this, in fact he told me it was my decision to make – and I've made it. I'm going with him to New York, whether you support it or not."_

_"Oh, I don't support it, and trust me if I ever get my hands on him, he'll regret the day he was born."_

_"Don't worry" Rory said sarcastically. "We won't be showing up for family dinners any time soon"_

_"Don't. In fact…" Lorelai continued. "…don't show up at all until you've set your mind straight and gone back to school"_

_"Fine!" Rory replied and they both stared at each other as in shock over how the conversation had escalated into a full-blown fight. They had never fought like this before. _

_"Fine!" Lorelai repeated._

_"Fine!" Rory repeated as well while grabbing her bag and storming out of the house._

Rory watched her mother's face intently while waiting for her answer and for a split second Lorelai's smile disappeared as she drew her breath to say something. But she seemed to change her mind, as the breath hitched in her throat and she let it out without having uttered a word.

"I'm happy as long as you're happy" She finally said and Rory felt a sting of sadness over everything they had lost when she saw that smile on her mother's face again. The one that didn't reach the eyes.

* * *

_._

* * *

"Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five" Rory mumbled to herself as she lied in bed with Logan's sleeping body next to her.

"Twenty-six, twenty-seven." Who ever said that counting sheep was an effective cure for insomnia?

"Twenty-eight, twenty-nine" How was it supposed to work anyway? Were you supposed to actually picture the sheep or was it the counting that was the vital part?

"Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two" In cartoons the sheep was always jumping over fences as they were being counted. Why were they doing that? Counting sleeping cheep would make much more sense.

"Thirty-three, thirty-four" Or at least sheep standing peacefully on a meadow, at least that was a soothing image. Jumping sheep made her think of exercise.

"Thirty-five" Well, exercise was supposed to make you tired, maybe that was the trick? To make you think about exercising and that way making you tired?

"Thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight" Why was it sheep by the way? Why not cats or pigs? Cats always slept, they seemed to be able to fall asleep almost anywhere.

"Thirty-nine, forty" Maybe it had something to do with the fluffy form of sheep, maybe they were supposed to remind you of a pillow? But cats could be fluffy too.

She stirred as Logan mumbled something in his sleep. She sighed and stroked his arm that was wrapped around her waist. Counting sheep wouldn't help her fall asleep tonight.

She stared up at the ceiling and it wasn't long before her mind drifted away to places she banned it from a long time ago. But tonight, with everything that was going on with her graduating from Yale and Logan's proposal, the thoughts of _him_ seemed inevitable.

_"It's not much" Jess said, looking slightly embarrassed as he opened the door to the apartment and held it open for her._

_Rory didn't say anything as she followed him through the apartment, watching and listening as he gave her a tour. _

_"There's the kitchen" He pointed and she looked. "The appliances are rather old and worn-down, but I think they're all still working"_

_She nodded and took it all in. _

_"This used to be my room" He said without showing any emotions as he opened a door opposite to the kitchen. She looked in at it, it was completely empty and the color on the walls was starting to scale off. _

_She nodded again, still without saying a word and he started to look a bit nervous as he gestured towards the room they were standing in. "Living room" _

_She took it all in: the small couch, the TV and the books. She smiled. They weren't placed in shelves, instead they were stacked in piles on the floor, propped up against the wall. She suppressed the want to run over to them to see which titles he owned and how he had organized them, as he lead them towards yet another room._

_"This is the master bedroom" He said and looked intently at her as she stepped into the room._

_In contrast to the other rooms, this room looked almost cramped, but that was probably rather due to the size of the room than the actual amount of furniture in it as the only furniture were a bureau and a bed. _

_He waited a few moments for her to look around the room and the ventured back into the living room. "The bathroom is over there" He pointed towards a door next to the bedroom._

_She nodded again._

_"I know it's probably not what you're used to" He looked so insecure as he stood there in the middle of the room, trying to make excuses for the crappy-looking apartment he brought her to. "But I think it could be pretty good once we get some more furniture, Liz took most of them with her to Stars Hollow" He shot casted a glance at her before continuing. "And we could probably do some painting, it's not that expensive if you do the work by yourself"_

_She smiled. She couldn't help it, the happiness inside her was growing all too big, she needed to smile to let some of it out, there wasn't enough room in her body for all the happiness she felt. Yes – the apartment was crappy and unfurnished and in desperate need of a paint-job, but it was theirs. _

_"I love it" She said and she could practically see the weight lift off of his shoulders when she finally spoke. "I love it" She repeated and giggled. "I love it and I love you"_

_He smiled and moved closer to her. "I love you too"_

_She put her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. "I think we're gonna be very happy here" _

Rory shook the memory away. That was all a long time ago, when they were still happy and in love. It hadn't ended as happy, she needed to remember that.

She snuggled up closer against Logan's warm body and tried to free her mind of all thoughts. This was right. He was right. Jess and her had been a mistake; they had been too young and too immature and it was obvious they weren't right for each other.

* * *

.

* * *

"So have you thought about what you're going to say?" Paris asked as the girls walked towards the line of people waiting to step up onto the podium and receive their diplomas.

"What?"

"When he hands you the diploma. I can't decide between 'thank you' and 'thank you so much'"

"Oh"

"It's a significant moment, and I want to do it right. If I say just plain 'thank you', it sounds kind of casual, like he's handing me a slice of pizza. But 'thank you so much' sounds weird, like I'm acknowledging applause after singing a love ballad"

"I think I'm just gonna do a polite smile and a 'thank you'." Rory answered, as always amazed by the things that occupied Paris' mind. She could easily speak whatever was on her mind to complete strangers without being the least bit intimidated or even thinking about it twice, but she just as easily got hung up on trivial things, like whether to say 'thank you' or 'thank you so much' when getting handed your diploma. "Okay this is it" She continued and clapped her hands together as they reached the end of the line.

"Yeah. We've been drafting off each other since high school, and now it's each woman for herself. Who knows when we'll see each other again, right?"

"Paris, I haven't been able to shake you off all these years. We're gonna be friends for a very long time"

"You're gonna do such great things with your life, Rory"

Rory managed to smile at Paris' compliment, even though the echo of another, slightly darker, voice saying similar things rang through her head.

_"You were meant to do such great things with your life. You weren't meant to be stuck in a crappy apartment with a crappy minimum wage job with a high school dropout. It wasn't right of me to ask you to give all those great things up to run away with me"_

Rory's effectively yanked back from the memory of Jess' voice when Paris throws her arms around her and hugs her.

"Oh! Wow. Okay" She said and patted Paris' back, surprised at the sudden show of affection.

"Okay. G's, you're on the move!"A woman yelled as she walked by them, signaling that they were next.

Rory looked around her and spotted Logan standing with his friends at a distance. When noticing her head turned towards him he lifted his arm to a wave, she smiled and waved back at him.

"Unto the breach" Paris said as she stepped onto the podium.

Completely overwhelmed with the emotions of graduating, of having accomplished this huge thing, Rory could feel her eyes filling up with tears as she stepped onto the podium when her name was called. She had done it. She had come back. She hadn't lost momentum. She had graduated from Yale.

When having received the diploma she turned towards the audience, trying to spot her family when she heard someone call: "Yay, Rory!" She smiled through the burning tears as she spotted both of her parents standing up and clapping their hands. She met her mother's eyes and when seeing the pride in her face and the tears in her eyes she couldn't hold her own tears back anymore.

* * *

.

* * *

"Why isn't Logan here helping us with these boxes?" Lorelai whined. "He's the one insisting on this move across the country, he should be doing the packing-stuff-into-boxes thing"

"Why do you have so much stuff?" Lorelai complained as they stood in the apartment Rory had shared with Paris, packing all her stuff into boxes. "And books" She held up a book as evidence before placing it in a box. "Books are so incredibly heavy when they're stacked together in a box. Why couldn't you have been interested in something not so heavy, like collecting stamps or something? Stamps aren't heavy. I mean you would have to have like an unimaginable amount of stamps for them to weigh this much" She moaned as she picked up a box and placed it in the pile of full boxes.

"Mom" The serious tone in Rory's voice made Lorelai's stamp v/s books rambling come to a halt.

"What is it honey?" She turned around to look at her.

"I-I kind of need to tell you something." Rory said while fidgeting nervously with her hands in front of her.

Lorelai walked up to her, with a worried look on her face. "Is everything okay?"

"Can we sit?"

"Sure" Her mother said and immediately dropped down on one of the boxes next to them.

Rory took a deep breath and sat down next to her. "Remember when – eh – when I – eh – dropped out of Yale?"

"Yeah." She stretched the word.

"You know me and Jess lived together. In New York."

"Yeah, I remember – vividly." Lorelai made a face at the memory.

"Well…we – eh – we…kind of…" She dreaded her next words, but she knew she had to say them, she had to let her mother know what had actually happened. "…got married."

* * *

.

* * *

_I know Lorelai's 'don't show up at all until you set your mind straight and gone back to school' probably sounded a bit OOC, but I figured it was more a 'heat of the moment' kind of thing than something she actually meant, but that they were both to proud to go back on their words at that moment._


	3. Chapter 3

Recap from last chapter:

"You know me and Jess lived together. In New York."

"Yeah, I remember – vividly." Lorelai made a face at the memory.

"Well…we – eh – we…kind of…" She dreaded her next words, but she knew she had to say them, she had to let her mother know what had actually happened. "…got married."

* * *

"You got married?" Lorelai stared at her with her mouth wide open.

"It-it wasn't planned or anything. It just happened."

_"Hey, you know?" Chris asked as he set their drinks down on the table. "Seeing as we're in Las Vegas I think it's mandatory that at least one of us gets married before the weekend is over"_

_"Yeah right" Matt threw a peanut at him. "I don't think that's what your parents had in mind when they invited us all along for the weekend"_

_"I'm just saying" Chris shrugged his shoulders and looked around the table at his friends._

_"Don't look at me" Jess said and held his hands up in defense._

_"Why not?" Chris asked. "The two of you…" He gestured to the space between Jess and Rory. "…are the most likely to tie the knot among the four of us"_

_"Not happening" Rory stated with a smile, knowing that Chris was only joking around. Although…the thought of being married to Jess…She looked up at him only to find that he was looking at her with a curious look on his face. She blushed and looked down at the table. No, they were too young and everything was way too messed up with school, with her mother, with them. "Not happening" She repeated, more to herself than to anyone else._

Rory shook the image away and looked at her mother. She had dreaded this ever since she came back. She had managed pretty well though with pretending it hadn't really happened.

"It just happened?" Lorelai echoed while regaining her features. "Weddings don't just happen."

"Well, this one did" Rory cringed "And it wasn't really a wedding, more like a ceremony."

"Wow." Lorelai got up from the box she was sitting on. "Wow. May I ask why your mother, that would be me, wasn't invited to, or at least _informed_ about, this ceremony?"

"We…we weren't speaking at the time, and we didn't really tell anyone except Matt and Chris, our co-workers at the coffee shop, they – eh – they were our witnesses."

"You know, I felt so bad when I married your father in Paris. All I could think of was that you weren't there and it felt wrong. It was eating at my conscience. And when we told you – you had the guts to be mad at me?"

"I'm sorry mom. For everything, I really am."

She took a deep breath. "That's okay. It's all behind us now."

"That's the thing…it kind of isn't." Lorelai gave her a confused look. "Jess and I…we…I just left. We never got divorced."

"Wow, wait. Hold on here. You're still _married_?" Her voice pitched at the last word. "To Jess? Does Logan know?"

"Of course he doesn't! He would never have proposed if he knew!"

"Well, what-what are you gonna do?"

"Obviously I need to come clean with Logan and I need to find Jess and get divorced."

"Wow. This is so 'Days of our lives'."

Rory cringed. "It's not that bad."

"Maybe not." Lorelai hesitated and looked at her daughter. "Are you sure you should tell Logan about this?"

Rory scoffed. "If I don't, this situation could very well escalate into an episode from 'Days of our lives'."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"Yeah, so I'm telling him at dinner tonight"

"Okay, good. That's good"

Without saying anything further they both went back to packing up Rory's things. But the rest of the packing was done in utter silence.

* * *

.

* * *

"Hold on, hold on" Rory muttered to herself as she dug through her purse, looking for her phone. "Hello" She answered when she found it, buried at the bottom of her purse. Why did the phone always manage to end up at the bottom of the purse, beneath all that crap that you never found the energy to clear out?

"Hey Ace" She smiled when she heard Logan's voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey. Are you on your way?"

"Nah…" He hesitated for a few seconds. "…not exactly"

"What's going on?" She asked, hoping that the fear in her voice didn't come through over the phone. Did he know? How could he know? Of course he didn't know. Or did he?

"Something's come up" He sighed. "I need to be in California tonight"

She couldn't help but feel relieved. It had nothing to do with Jess; it was business that was keeping Logan away. "Oh, okay" She sat down at one of the boxes in the otherwise empty apartment. "When are you leaving?"

"In one hour – I'm at the airport now."

"Oh" One hour. She sighed. That was not enough time to sit down over dinner and tell him that she was kind of still married to her ex-boyfriend – and that was not the kind of information you gave someone over the phone one hour before they were boarding a plane going across the country.

"I'm sorry Ace, but I promise you this is not something that will be an issue when we're married. It's just…I'm new and I need to show them who I am, that I care about the company" Logan started explaining in a hurried voice, probably thinking that the disappointed tone in her voice was about him cancelling dinner. Which, come to think of it, it kind of was – but not for the reasons he thought.

"It's okay. We'll catch up when you get back" A few more days was nothing, she could wait. It wasn't like Jess would show up on their doorstep with his wedding ring on and blow the surprise.

"Yeah, I'll be back Sunday. Tell Emily I'm really sorry I'm missing your Friday night dinner"

She laughed. "You suck-up!" She could hear Logan laughing too on the other end of the line. "Besides, didn't I tell you she postponed Friday night dinner till Sunday?" She continued with a grin on her face, the Jess-issue conveniently moved to the back of her head.

"Why?"

"Apparently, your proposal needed to be adequately celebrated at dinner and for that she needed more time to prepare."

He scoffed. "I really got to go Ace. Try not to miss me too much"

"Impossible" She stated before they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Rory got up from the box and walked around the apartment aimlessly. Maybe she should go to New York and find Jess, talk to him and get started on getting divorced. The news on her already being married might be easier for Logan to accept if the divorce was already in the making.

She sighed and picked up her phone again and dialed a familiar number. Her mother answered on the second signal.

Rory sighed and sat down on the box again. "Hey mom, you know of any good divorce lawyers?"

* * *

.

* * *

"Seeing as you've been living apart for the last…" The aged lawyer, sitting on the other side of a big desk, looked down at the papers in front of him.

"Three years" Rory filled in with a nervous smile.

"Yes, three years" The man put his finger down in the middle of the paper. "That amount of time spent living apart would most certainly qualify you to file for a 'no-fault' divorce"

"Meaning…?" Rory asked, confused by the situation. She'd never been in a lawyer's office before, she never needed to be. The situation was confusing and intimidating.

"Meaning you don't have to come up with causes such as irreconcilable differences or adultery" The man lectured and Rory listened eagerly.

"Okay, so…what do I do now? What's the next step?"

"Well, it depends on whether your spouse will contest the divorce or not"

Rory nodded. "I don't know. We – eh – we haven't spoken since I…" She cleared her throat. "It's been three years since I saw him"

"I see. If he consents, all you have to do is sign these papers…" He pulled out a stack of papers from a pile on his desk. "…and send them back to me and then the rest will take care of itself"

She nodded again. "And if…if he doesn't…consent?"

"Well, then the process will be trickier and it will take longer, but the time apart will speak in your favor"

Rory stood up from her chair. "Thanks" She leaned forward and shook the man's hand and took the paper's he held out to her. She looked at them before putting them in her purse.

"It's standard papers, you don't want anything from him and vice versa – you're already separated, signing the papers only makes it official and doesn't really change anything"

"Yeah. Uhm, thanks again" Due to an enormous amount of will-power Rory managed to give the man a smile before leaving his office.

Rory walked out onto the street as in a haze and sat down on the nearest park bench. Divorce. There it was in black ink on white paper – they had failed. It wasn't really any news to her; they had failed a long time ago, long before they even got married.

_"We should do it" Rory said as she stepped out of the shower in their hotel room._

_"Do what?" Jess ripped his eyes away from the mirror, where he was busy fixing his hair._

_"Get married" She stated casually as she walked over to the bed and opened her suitcase to find something to wear._

_Jess looked at her with one eye brow raised."Where's this coming from?" He asked as he stepped closer to her._

_Rory shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know" She turned towards him and smiled. "I know Chris was joking earlier, but it got me thinking"_

_"Thinking, huh?" He wrapped his arms around her._

_"Yeah" She gave him a light kiss on the lips. "We love each other; we gave up everything to be together…"_

_Jess scoffed and let go of her. "That's what this is about?"_

_"No" She could have kicked herself for choosing those words. "No" She repeated and took his arms in her hands and wrapped them around her again. "It's about us. You and me. Nothing else"_

_He looked at her suspiciously. _

_"Do I have to get down on one knee?" A nervous laughter slipped through Rory's mouth. "Because, traditionally, I think it's the guy that should–" Her words died out as Jess got down on one knee in front of her._

_"Well, Rory..." He smirked and looked up at her. "…do you want to marry me?"_

_She smiled. "I don't know what to say…this is so totally unexpected!" She teased and he got up and pressed a kiss on her lips._

_She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight as she whispered against his lips. "I would love to"_

_He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again, carefully this time, almost losing contact with her lips when she started backing the few steps towards the bed behind them. She laid down on the bed and pulled him down with her. He pushed the suitcase of the bed and, leaning on one of his arms he started unwrapping her towel._

_Rory wrapped her fingers in his hair and pulled his mouth towards her, hard and desperately. They weren't failing. They loved each other and that was all they needed to fix everything else that was wrong. _

* * *

.

* * *

Rory walked down the block where she and Jess used to live. It was painfully flooded with memories; memories of kisses and hugs, love and lust, but also memories of fights and angry words, of tears and cries. She stopped outside the building where they used to live together and looked up at it.

The curtains in the windows were still the same, hopefully that meant he still lived her. She had to admire that – she could never have stayed there alone surrounded by all the memories. The memories of when they were happy, 'cause those were the hardest – they reminded of everything they had lost. Well, the memories of when they were not-so-happy weren't that easy either – they reminded of how they had lost it.

She took a deep breath and walked up the stairs and turned the knob on the door to the building and smiled when the door opened. The lock was still broken. Three years and no one had gotten around to fix the broken lock on the front door of the building.

She tried to steady herself as she walked up the stairs. Hopefully he had moved on with his life and he would sign the papers and she would be on her way back to New Haven tonight.

She stopped outside the apartment door and took a deep breath. This was it. With a determined look on her face she knocked on the door.

It wasn't long before the door was opened by a man with messy, light brown hair and sparkly green eyes.

"Rory!" The man exclaimed, with a surprised look on his face.

He stared at her for several seconds before he laughed and wrapped her in a hug. She was too surprised by the welcome to protest when he lifted her up and swirled her around.

She couldn't help but laugh as well.

"I'd never thought I'd see you again." The man said with a wide smile on his lips as she set her down inside the apartment.

* * *

.

* * *

_A/N: More flashbacks as to why and how they ended up getting married will be coming up, just wanted to let you know that so you won't think I'll leave it with the little information you got on the matter in this chapter!_

_And also: I have no idea how to actually get divorced, because luckily enough I haven't had to go through that. So I did some googling and went with what I found and what I scooped up from movies… If that's not actually how it's really done, can't we please pretend?_

_And last: I'm curious to know if anyone has figured from which movie I got the inspiration for this story?_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thank you guys for the reviews I've been getting – I love them and I love you! And I would love you even more if you wanted to review this chapter as well. *wink, wink*_

_ And of course the movie from which I got the inspiration was Sweet Home Alabama._

_Hope you'll like this chapter!_

Recap:

_"Rory!" The man exclaimed, with a surprised look on his face. _

_He stared at her for several seconds before he laughed and wrapped her in a hug. She was too surprised by the welcome to protest when he lifted her up and swirled her around._

_She couldn't help but laugh as well._

_ "I'd never thought I'd see you again." The man said with a wide smile on his lips as he set her down inside the apartment._

She couldn't help but smile as well. "Well, here I am."

"Does Jess know you're back?" He asked, still smiling and shaking his head slightly as if he quite couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Rory shook her head. "No, and I'm not really ba–"

The man, who she instantly had recognized as Matt, interrupted her. "Then we have to go surprise him!" He gave her another quick hug and laughed. "God." He shook his head yet again as in disbelief. "I told him it was simply a matter of time before you'd come back."

"Matt, I–"

He cast a quick glance at his wrist watch and interrupted her again. "His shift just started. Come on!" He stepped out the door and gestured for her to follow.

With slow steps she followed him out the door, her mind all wrapped up around the misunderstanding that seemed to have taken place between her and Matt. "Listen, I–"

Matt smiled and interrupted her for the third time as he started walking down the stairs. "I can't wait for you to see what we've done with the place. You're gonna love it." He stopped and looked up at Rory, who hadn't moved a feet since stepping out the door. "Are you coming?" He asked impatience shining through his voice.

"I need to–" She started, but this time it was she that interrupted herself when she realized what he said. "What _you_'ve done to the place?" She asked, her mouth dropping open. "Are you saying?"

"Yep" A proud smile appeared on Matt's lips as he picked up his walk down the stairs, this time followed by a dazed Rory. "We finally made a move and bought the place."

"That's amazing!" She exclaimed, the reasons for her visit conveniently surpassed to the back of her mind. "Wow. I mean…congratulations." She turned towards him as they reached the end of the stairs and stopped him with a hand on his arm. "When? How?"

Matt smiled widely as he held the door open for them and ushered her out the door. "Well, almost two years ago, Mrs. Johnson started talking about retiring, but as neither of her children wanted to take over the coffee shop she felt a bit reluctant, she didn't want to sell it to someone that wouldn't appreciate _the soul_ of the place"

Rory smiled almost as wide as he did as she could very well picture the aged Mrs. Johnson uttering those words. "So what happened?" Almost jumping up and down from excitement Rory turned around to face Matt, who was now walking behind her. "She _gave_ you the place?"

Matt chuckled while grabbing her arm and steered her away from backing into a lamp post. "No, of course not. But we went to the bank and begged and pleaded and cried and out of pity they agreed to give us a loan."

"Out of pity?" Rory laughed as she fell into step with Matt, this time next to him, facing forward. "What bank are you with?"

"Well…" Matt rolled his eyes. "…there might have been something about a payment plan and estimated figures of some sort, but that's all Chris' headache, I merely contributed with the please-take-pity-on-us face"

She laughed and pointed at him with an accusing finger. "I know that face!" She nodded to herself, remembering all too well the times he used it whenever he wanted to trade shifts with her at the coffee shop. "It's a mighty good one"

_"Please" Matt took a steady hold on Rory's arm and sank to his knees in front of her. "Please, I'll make it up to you in every way possible. I'll do the dishes for a week – no a month! Just please cover for me tonight"_

_Rory rolled her eyes at his over-dramatic gestures. "What's her name?" She smiled as she pulled Matt up from the floor with the arm he was still grabbing onto._

_Matt returned her smile. "Lauren, and I think she could really be the one, you know?"_

_"You always say that" Rory watched as Matt brushed the floor-dust of his pants. _

_Matt shrugged his shoulder and met her eyes. "That's because I'm always looking for the one" His smile was replaced with a more serious look as he continued. "I want what you guys have and someday I hope I'll find my Rory"_

_Rory looked at him with a silly smile on her face, not knowing how to respond. _

_"By the way…" Matt added as he started to walk away, out of the staff-room. "…that really scary chick – Paris, is it? Or some other town, London maybe? – anyway, she called last night…again. You should maybe consider talking to her, she sounds like she could do some real damage if not obeyed" Matt stopped at the door and turned around. "Is she single, by any chance?"_

"Here it is!" Matt announced and gestured towards the coffee-shop where he and Rory used to work together before she left that life behind and went back to college and started her new life; or picked up her old, depending on how you chose to look at things.

Rory stopped on the street and took it all in. The first thing she noticed was the sign. The old plate sign with the words "Mrs. Johnson's Coffee" was gone and replaced with a wooden sign revealing that behind these doors was "Truncheon Books and Coffee".

She turned to Matt. "Books and coffee?" Matt smiled and nodded proudly. "_Books_ and coffee?" Rory asked again and clapped her hands together. "My two favorite things in the world – and you made a business out of them? I love it!"

"Well, I wish I could take all the credit – but to be honest, Jess and Chris had a little something to do with it as well" Matt said as he placed his hand on the small of her back and softly pushed her towards the entrance.

When Rory stepped through the doors at Truncheon, she felt as if though she'd died and gone to heaven. It wasn't big, but what they'd done to the space since she left amazed her. She was lost for words.

Two whole walls were covered from floor to ceiling with books. A few coffee tables that she recognized from Mrs. Johnson's time stood by a glass window facing the street outside. She looked over at the counter were a young girl with brown hair, pulled back into a loose ponytail, were pouring coffee for waiting customers.

She smiled towards an old man in the front of the line and Rory could feel the distinct smell of new-brewed coffee when she filled the man's cup with the black liquid from the pot in her hand. Books and coffee – the smell of both lingering in the air. If there was such a thing as heaven, this must be what it looked like.

"Over there's the reading corner" Matt ripped her from her thoughts as he pointed towards a secluded area in the corner of the store.

Rory turned in the direction at which he pointed and saw two small couches and three armchairs in a half circle around a small coffee table littered with books. She gasped for air, wanting to say something to praise him; to praise them for what they did, but she couldn't find the words.

Back when she left all of this had felt like a far too distant dream. Something they had talked about late at night when they had had one too many beers. She had never thought that it was something that would actually ever be.

She had thought the guys had all felt content merely working in the coffee shop. She swirled around and took it all in again. If only she had known…

_ "Don't you have any ambitions Jess? No hopes and dreams for the future? You're happy pouring other people coffee all day?"Rory threw her hands around gesturing while she spoke in a more and more agitated voice. She didn't know where the anger had come from, but suddenly it was there and their disagreement had turned into a full-blown fight. _

_"Not this again." Jess sighed, trying to walk away into the next room._

_Now wanting to give up on the argument, which she really, despite the anger, did feel was to important to let go, Rory followed him. "That's your big dream? Pouring coffee and serving meals? You're better than that Jess, and you know it!"_

_"Rory, drop it."He said with a low, harsh voice._

_"I just don't get why you won't sign up for the GED test." Didn't he understand that his future was at stake? He could do such great things and he didn't even know it, or maybe he knew it and simply didn't care. She sighed deeply as the anger left her as suddenly as it had showed up._

_Jess turned around and faced her. "Because we don't have the money." He talked slowly and enunciated every word distinctly, as if trying to explain something to a child. "I don't have time to study for the test. If we want a roof above our heads I need to work."_

_"But it's your future we're talking about! If you don't get your GED you'll be stuck working in a place with minimum wage for the rest of your life. You have great potential, don't throw your future away like that!"Rory argued as if her life depended on him understanding the importance of it._

_Jess' face turned hard and cold and his voice was calm. "Like you threw your future away when you decided to come with me?"_

_She sighed and threw her head back in exacerbation. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. "No. That's not what I'm saying."_

_"But you're thinking it, aren't you?"_ _He asked and locked eyes with her. Rory pursed her lips together and shook her head as tears started to burn behind her eyelids. _

_She couldn't tell him that that thought had never crossed her mind. But he wouldn't understand if she told him how she feared that she would never go back, that she would never pursue her dream of becoming a journalist. _

_She couldn't tell him that even though she loved him more than she had ever thought it was possible to love another person, that wasn't enough: she still wanted her dream, a dream that seemed to become more and more distant with every passing day._

_"I have to leave for work, otherwise I'll be late" Rory said and broke eye-contact with him as she turned around and stepped out of the room. He didn't follow._

"Sophie!" Matt called to get the attention of the young woman behind the counter. "Where's Jess?" He asked when the woman looked up from the coffee pot and met his eyes.

"In the back" She answered and pointed towards a door a little further down the room.

"Maybe I should–" Rory started, but the sentence was left unfinished as Matt took a hold on Rory's wrist and dragged her with him through the door.

"Jess!" He shouted as he pushed the door open. "There's someone here to see you" Matt's smile grew wider as he pushed Rory in front of him.

She looked down at her feet as she stumbled forward and she regained her balance and looked back up her eyes fell on Jess, sitting behind a desk in what used to be Mrs. Johnson's office.

Her next breath hitched in her throat when she saw him. It had been so long – three years to be exact. He still looked the same. Maybe a bit older, but mainly the same. God, why did it suddenly feel so hard to breathe?

For what felt like forever she simply stood there, looking into his eyes. It had always felt so good to get lost in his eyes. They were truly amazing eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Jess put his pen down and broke the eye-contact.

His voice. She had almost forgotten the sound if it. "I–" She started but was once again cut off by Matt.

"Come on." He said with a pleading look in his eyes. "I know there's a lot of unsolved businesses and hurt feelings going on here, but can't you please put that off until tomorrow? Rory's back and I want to celebrate!"

Rory looked down at her feet, feeling very uneasy. "Well…umm…" She started, not quite knowing how to continue. She felt both Matt and Jess staring at her, waiting for her to continue, so she cleared her throat and made an attempt at it, still with her gaze set on her feet. "Actually…I'm not really back"

Matt continued to stare at her with the look of a small child being let down by his parents. Jess scoffed and leaned back in his chair, looking rather amused by her uneasiness. "Well then…why don't you tell us what brings you to our neck of the woods? Got lost?"

Looking up at him in what she attempted to be a pleading look she saw the newspaper on his desk: yesterday's New York Time. The paper her grandmother had insisted on placing an engagement announcement in. Rory had no idea how she had managed to get it in so fast, maybe she had reserved a spot, hoping that Logan would propose.

However it had happened didn't matter. What mattered was that the paper was here, on Jess' desk, folded with the page containing the announcement up. If she squinted her eyes she could see herself looking out from the photo where she was standing next to Logan.

She took a deep breath. She had failed on all levels. Not only had she not told her fiancé she was already married, but the paper had beat her to telling her husband that she was engaged. Yeah, failing was the appropriate word here.

"I think you know why I'm here" She said quietly, feeling embarrassed at how she had handled, or rather not handled, the situation.

"No, I don't" Jess said and shook his head, his eyes not leaving hers for a second. "Tell me, I'm intrigued" The smug smile on his lips told her that he knew very well why she was here, he simply wanted to force her to say the words out loud.

"I– " She took a deep breath to calm her nerves, her face was stern when she met his eyes. "I want a divorce"

Jess simply nodded. "Okay"

She smiled nervously, surprised at how easy it all had went. No yelling, no screaming, no accusations and pointed fingers. "I have the papers right here" She said and pulled them out of her bag as she started walking towards his desk, relieved at getting an actual task to focus her hands on.

Matt still stared at the both of them, frozen to the ground as in shock. Rory shot him a quick, nervous smile before turning towards Jess again and placing the papers on the desk in front of him. "You just need to sign here" She pointed at the front paper and then flipped to the last paper. "And here" She pointed again.

Jess nodded again and then shoved the papers aside and focused on what he'd been working on when they stepped in. "I'll send them to you as soon as I get a chance to look through them"

She bit her lip and looked around the room before her eyes landed on Jess' face again. "Is there a problem?" He asked with a smirk on his face.

"I–I was hoping you could sign the papers right away so I could hand them to my lawyer on Monday"

"What's the rush? You're not knocked-up, are you? This isn't a shotgun wedding, is it?"

She pinched her eyes shut. "Jess, please…" She pleaded.

"You do understand I have to read these through before signing them?" He looked up from his work for a few seconds before he continued. "I need to make sure you're not trying to rip me off here."

She sighed. "Jess, I don't want anything from you, other than your signature on those papers"

"Yeah" He snorted, laying down his work and leaning back in his chair again. "You've made that very clear these last couple of years"

She frowned, an irritated feeling growing inside her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Three years and no phone calls, no letters…" He sighed and placed his right hand on his chest in mock hurt. "…not even a card on our anniversary"

"Jess please, don't make this any harder than it has to be" She pleaded again.

"Who's saying it's hard?" Jess answered and locked eyes with her, his face motionless.

"Jess…"She said again, on the verge of breaking into tears. Of course it was hard, wasn't it for him?

He sighed. "Leave the papers, I promise I'll look through them later" Now his voice sounded calm and reasonable. "I just need to get these numbers down…" He gestured towards the computer screen in front of him. "..and then I'll look at the papers"

Rory nodded. "Thank you"

"Glad to be of service" Jess muttered as he went back to looking through the papers on his desk and dotting on the computer.

Rory nodded again, to herself this time and turned around looking for Matt, only to discover he wasn't there anymore. She sighed and headed for the door.

* * *

.

* * *

An hour later, Rory was sitting in one of the couches in the reading corner, trying to focus on the paperback in her hands, but it was an impossible task.

She felt embarrassed at how badly she had handled this whole situation with Jess. She should have come clean with her mother about the marriage the second she stepped through her door in Stars Hollow. She should have started working on the divorce right away. Hell, she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. How could she have been so naïve as to think that getting married would solve all their problems?

_"Are you sure about this?" Jess whispered as they stood waiting outside the wedding chapel they'd chosen._

_Rory nodded. "I'm sure" She squeezed his hand that was holding hers as a confirmation of her words._

_Jess smiled. "Good"_

_Rory smiled back, hoping he wouldn't pick up on the nervousness behind her smile. They were doing the right thing. They loved each other, they wanted to be together and maybe getting married would stop Jess from thinking she regretted having followed him to New York. At least then, one of their problems would be history._

Rory shook her thoughts away. There had been a lot of them lately; thoughts about their life together. That didn't mean anything though, she told herself. She was revisiting that life, it wasn't odd for those thoughts to pop into her head – it was natural if anything.

She looked around the store, searching for Jess. He hadn't left the office since their talk and she didn't want to stress him and make him change his mind about co-operating with the divorce.

Seeing Chris standing behind the counter she smiled and got up from the couch. She hadn't noticed him entering, he must have sneaked in while she was trying to focus on her novel. She walked up to the counter and sat down at one of the barstools on the side of it.

"Hey" She smiled towards him, trying to get his attention.

"Can I get you anything?" He asked as he walked past her, attending another customer and hardly even looking in her direction.

"Yeah…I…" Rory drifted off. Didn't he recognize her?

"I just wanted to say hey" She tried again, looking down at the counter.

"Hey" He said without smiling. "If that was all, I would appreciate if you gave up your seat in favor for an actual paying customer" He turned away and smiled towards a woman with two children standing in line at the other end of the counter.

Rory sighed. Of course. She hadn't expected them to welcome her back with arms open after how she left everything, but this. She and Chris had been so close. In a world were Lane, Paris and her mother weren't there, Chris and Matt had become her best friends and now Chris pretended as if he didn't even know her and Matt…Matt had disappeared without a word.

For the second time that day she felt like she wanted to burst into tears.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thank you for the reviews you gave on the last chapter, you guys are really great! _

_There isn't much Jess/Rory interaction in this chapter either, just a bit at the beginning – but I promise we'll get there soon, there was just another storyline that needed to be told first as it is rather crucial for the main plot!_

_To answer Guest's question: "Glad to be of service" wasn't a deliberate reference, to be honest I'm not 100% sure what it is a reference to at all, but I would love to know… _

_About the divorce stuff (I'm guessing this is from the same Guest…) I will look into that, I read some stuff on Wikipedia and there it just said that the time between signing the papers and officially being divorced differed due to…argh…can't remember right now, but I'm guessing it had something to do with the workload that the divorce-finalizing people (I really should write my research stuff down so I don't have to look it up again and again every time I need to say anything about it…) had._

_I don't think the six months waiting period will screw anything up for this story though if that would be the case in New York. A Huntzberger-wedding probably will take more than six months of planning, right?_

* * *

Rory had settled back into the couch in the corner of the store. The paperback lay on the coffee table, she had given up her fruitless attempts at getting lost in the novel to make time fly faster. Instead, she sat and watched the people that walked around the store.

There were all kinds of people here.

Two young girls chattering at a table in the front, casting longing glances in Chris' way. She smiled. Wherever they went, longing glances had always been sent his way.

A family stood at the counter, trying to decide what to order. The father of the family looked stressed as the children bantered in front of the counter where the pastries stood on display. She watched Chris say something with a gentle smile on his lips and the father seemed to relax as he answered.

In one of the armchairs only a few feet away from the couch Rory was sitting on, a young girl had made herself comfortable with a book and a cup of tea. She seemed to be completely lost in the world of fiction as she sipped her tea and flipped the page without taking her eyes of the book.

A man was sitting at a table with a laptop in front of him, altering between furiously hitting the keys on the computer and leaning back to look at the screen with his lips pursed together in concentration. Maybe he was an aspiring writer. Or a journalist. Or a businessman that had wanted to get away from the rush of the office.

Rory almost jumped in her seat when the door behind which she knew Jess was sitting flung open and he stepped out into the store. He looked around the store and when his eyes fell on her he rolled them and then slowly made his way towards the front door.

Rory got up from her seat and caught up with him as he reached the door. She scoffed. "Are you leaving? Really?"

He didn't stop until he was standing outside on the street. "Gee, Rory, relax" He picked up a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and pulled one out. "I'm just taking a short break. I won't run"

Ashamed at her sudden assumption, she looked down at her feet. "Oh"

They stand in silence for a while and Rory searched her brain for something to say, something to ease the situation. She had never had a problem finding the words to talk to him before, the problem used to be getting him to talk.

"You've picked up smoking again?" She asked and cringed when she heard how judging her words had sounded. She had no right to tell him what to do or not to do anymore. She had given that right up. It was just the first thing that had sprung to her mind and she desperately wanted to break the silence.

"At times" He answered shortly with a shrug.

"Huh" She said, in lack of other things and the silence fell upon them again.

Blowing out a cloud of smoke Jess tilted his head and looked at her with a familiar smirk. "So you didn't tell your fiancé you were already married?"

Rory startled at the question. How did he know? "Why would you think that?" She answered, not admitting he was right in his assumption.

Jess scoffed. "Well if he knew, there wouldn't be such a rush to get me to sign the papers, right? You could have posted them, you know."

She bit her lip and shuffled her feet, looking anywhere but at him. "I haven't quite told him yet" She confessed. "But I will, as soon as you sign the papers" She quickly added.

She was surprised at the serious look on his face; she could have sworn that her answer would draw on another smirk on his face. "Do you love him?" He asked simply, curiosity the only thing present in his voice.

"He's my fiancé." She replied, as if that would be a sufficient answer.

"That wasn't the question." Jess countered and put his cigarette out against the ground.

She sighed. "Yes. I love him" She did, she really did, but it felt wrong somehow to say it in front of Jess.

He nodded. "Swing by the apartment later tonight and I'll have the papers signed for you. I was serious about looking them through though. Not that I'm thinking you're actually trying to rip me off, but my economic situation has changed since we got married, I own a business and I have loans and stuff. You didn't know that when you had the papers drawn up." He sounded almost excusing as if he really didn't mean to cause all this trouble.

She couldn't quite explain it, but she felt a slight rush of disappointment at how easy he agreed to sign the papers; that his reason for saying he needed to read through them wasn't a ruse to stall the signing of the papers.

She hesitated; she wanted to return his friendliness somehow. "Is it okay if I hang around the store while I wait?" Seconds later she regretted having asked the question, if he said no she would have nowhere to go while waiting. She didn't quite feel like shopping or wandering around.

He shrugged his shoulders again. "Do as you like"

She nodded and followed him back in.

* * *

"Hey" Matt sat down on the couch next to Rory and she put the newspaper she'd been reading away.

"Hey" She smiled tentatively.

His eyes flickered as he drew a breath and started talking. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions earlier…about you being back"

"It's ok" She nodded to emphasize her words. "I should have stopped you"

He looked down at his hands that were resting in his lap. "Probably didn't make things easier with getting Jess to sign those papers, huh?" He took his eyes off of his hands and looked at her.

She smiled and shook her head in a dismissive way. "Well…no, but don't worry about it"

"It just…" He sighed. "It felt so good to see you. I think I, subconsciously somehow, kept talking about how great it was that you were back only to prevent you from saying that you weren't…'Cause I knew"

"Matt…"

"No…" He shook his head. "It's okay. You've moved on"

She had. She had moved on. This: the coffee shop, Jess, Matt, Chris. It wasn't part of her life anymore but she would be lying if she said she hadn't missed it.

She loved Logan and she had moved on with her life. Leaving Jess when she did had been the right decision to make, she never doubted that.

But still… She hadn't just walked out on her husband. She had also left three of her best friends behind and she missed them. All three of them. She missed their friendly bickering. She missed movie nights with Matt. She missed reading and discussing books or authors with Jess and Chris.

Matt wasn't that interested in discussing the books he read. He read them and then that was that. Either he liked them or he didn't. Nothing to discuss, just move on to the next. Efficient and clinical – just like that.

Movies on the other hand – they could discuss that for hours after the credits rolled. Just like with books Matt's taste was wide and there was no red thread whatsoever between the movies he bashed and the movies he loved.

_"How can you not love The Notebook?"Rory turned against him on the couch, her eyes wide and her hands flung out at her side._

_He raised his eyebrows as he met her eyes. "A movie which's main goal is to make me cry? Yeah, wonder why"_

_Rory threw her hands up in frustration. "But you loved Love Story and that movie practically has the same goal"_

_"But Love Story's a classic!" He smirked. "Besides, that movie actually succeeds in making me cry like a baby each time"_

_Rory shook her head in amazement. "I can't believe you didn't cry"_

_"What's there to cry about? Noah and Allie got to spend the larger part of their lives together – they grew old together!"_

_"But she doesn't remember that!" Rory interjected. She didn't have anything against Love Story per se – it was Matt's aversion against The Notebook that she didn't understand._

_"Well, Jenny and Oliver didn't get to create that much to remember – how do you think he feels about that?" Matt was starting to get agitated. "Don't you think Oliver would trade their story for Noah and Allie's in a heartbeat if he could?"_

_Rory let out a frustrated grunt. "You're impossible, you know that?"_

_He winked at her before he stretched his arms and got up from the couch. "Yep. That's why the ladies love me"_

_She smiled. "How's it going with…" She tried, but couldn't for the world remember the name of Matt's latest 'the one'._

_"Cathy" Matt filled in and then shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think she's my Jenny…" He smiled. "…or Allie if you'd prefer"_

_Rory stood up from the couch as well. "You'll find her" She assured and gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek before heading towards the bedroom._

_"Rory?" She could hear the hesitation in his voice and turned around._

_"What?" She watched him look down at his feet and wring his hands in front of him. _

_He looked up at her with a worried look in his eyes. "You and Jess…you're gonna be okay, right?"_

_She felt a lump in her throat. "Yeah" She nodded several times. "I hope so"_

_He smiled. "I do too"_

Freeing herself of the memory she turned to Matt. "You wanna go grab lunch somewhere and maybe catch up?"

He hesitated for a moment, but then shrugged his shoulders with a smile. "Sure" Matt had never been one to hold a grudge. He believed in second chances – and third, and fourth – something that had left him broken-hearted far more times than anyone deserved.

* * *

"So we decided to go along with it and give it a shot. Chris took some business classes and got a degree and then there was no turning back" Matt smiled as he finished his explanation on how they had turned "Mrs. Johnson's coffee" into "Truncheon books and coffee".

Rory smiled along with him, still not quite grasping the fact that they had actually done it.

"For the first few months we worked our asses off before we decided to hire first Sophie and then Sarah a few months later."

"It's amazing" Rory commented, feeling that in the last couple of hours she had severely overused the word 'amazing', but still not being able to come up with a better one.

"Yeah, it is" He nodded. "And Chris has been really amazing, who knew he had such a flair for crunching numbers, huh?"

"Yeah" Rory answered absent-mindedly, thinking about her encounter with Chris and how he had treated her like a stranger. "He seemed changed" She said, not really apprehending that she'd said the words out loud until Matt answered.

"Changed how?" He didn't seem to agree with her and she regretted having said anything.

"It's just…he seemed so…angry…with me" She looked down at the table as she spoke, but feeling the need to extend her statement she looked up at Matt and continued. "I mean, I can get why Jess is mad at me – he has every right to be. But Chris? We used to be so close and earlier today he pretended as if he didn't recognized me, but I know he did.

Matt sighed. "You really don't get it?"

"Well…" She answered, biting her lip. "I can see why he – and you as well – would be mad at me for how I ended things with Jess, but…" She sighed. "Not even Jess seemed to be _that_ mad, you know? And if Jess has gotten over it, why can't he?"

Matt shook his head and looked at her. "Rory…" He said and fixated her eyes with his. "You know Jess wasn't the only one you left behind. We were your friends – Chris and I – and you left us too."

"I…" Rory started but was interrupted when Matt spoke up again, apparently determined to finish his explanation.

"You were my friend. I told you things Rory, things about my mother, things I never told anyone else." She felt her eyes tearing up at the realization of what her leaving had caused, not only for Jess but for her friends as well

Matt continued. "I mean, it was obvious you and Jess were going through a rough patch, fighting and shouting all the time, but I never thought…" His voice broke and she reached her hand out across the table to comfort him, but he pulled back and looked her straight in the eyes as he continued. "_We_ weren't going through a rough patch, _we_ weren't fighting and shouting all the time, but you left me too. I was your friend, _we_ were your friends, Chris and I, but you left us too and you never even looked back."

"I'm sorry" She said and she really meant it. She had never thought about how it would affect Matt and Chris, she had assumed that they would side with Jess and see her as the bad guy.

"Yeah, whatever." He shrugged his shoulders. "We got over it and as soon as Jess signs those papers we can all go on like this day never happened"

"I don't want that" She took a breath before she continued. "I _have_ missed you – a lot. But I thought, seeing as how I left things, you wouldn't want any contact with me. I mean, you're Jess' friends as well, and I…I didn't quite handle things smoothly. I never meant to cut you out of my life."

"But you did, right?"

"I'm sorry" She repeated and he shrugged in response, although not looking quite as bitter as before.

"So…" He said, trying to change the subject. "You graduated?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Never thought I'd see the day"

"Aw, come on…" There was a grin on his lips. "There was never a doubt in my mind that you'd go back and graduate eventually"

"Thanks"

There had been doubts in her mind, sometimes Yale and that world had seemed so far away and the road back had seemed so long and full of obstacles.

_"One big coffee to go. Black" The young girl told her order and with a smile on her lips Rory went to get it._

_"Here you go" She put the beverage on the counter and watched as the girl dug through her pockets for money._

_"I'm sorry, I have it somewhere" She excused herself as she started digging in the other pocket._

_"It's okay" _

_"It's just, final's coming up and I'm such a mess I should be glad I still know where I live, you know?" The girl found the money and placed a bill on the counter. _

_"Yeah, I know the feeling" Rory replied with a hollow feeling in her stomach as she slipped her the change._

_"Yeah?" The girl smiled. "You go to N.Y.U?"_

_"No, I…" She suddenly felt very uncomfortable in her own skin. "I'm taking some time" She answered, not really liking the sound of it._

_"Oh" The girl looked surprised as she picked her to-go-cup up. "Good luck with that" She said with a smile and waved as she walked out of the store._

_Rory felt as if the walls were closing in on her and luckily enough the coffee shop was empty at the moment so she slumped down on a chair behind the counter._

_Taking some time? She had been taking almost a year. How much time was she gonna take? She wasn't any closer to going back to Yale than she had been when she first came here. _

_And with what happened last night? She had been terrifyingly close to shutting the door on Yale completely and possibly forever. It was nothing but mere chance that kept that door still open._

_She had to go back. She had to go back before it was too late. She wondered how Jess would take it? If he would agree to go with her? _

_She sighed and stood up from her seat with a smile plastered on her face as the bell above the door signaled the entrance of a new customer._

"So who's the guy?" Matt asked and nodded towards the ring on Rory's finger.

"Oh" She swept her fingers over the ring and a slight blush appeared on her face. "Logan. I met him at Yale" It felt weird talking about Logan with Matt, they didn't exist in the same world

"What's he saying about…" He waved his hands as to try and explain. "…all of this?"

Rory frowned, but decided it was best to come clean. "He doesn't know about it"

Matt's eyebrows flew up. "He doesn't?"

"It's just…" She bent her head back and stared at the roof for a few seconds before continuing. "I was going to tell him, but then there was this business-meeting in California and he had to leave, and I didn't want to tell him over the phone" Matt looked at her, a smile tugging at his lips and she quickly added: "But I will tell him, first thing Sunday morning when he gets back"

Matt still didn't say anything, but his smile grew wider.

"What?" She asked, a bit of annoyance showing in her voice at his smug smile.

"Stay." He said simply without taking his eyes off her.

She shook her head, thinking she must have misheard him. "What?"

"Stay" He insisted again. "Stay for the weekend."

"Matt…" She started. This was a bad idea on so many levels she didn't even know where to start.

He interrupted. "You said your fiancé was out of town, right?"

"Yeah…" She admitted, dragging out the word. "…but I don't think it's such a great idea"

"Come on Rory, for old time's sake" He pleaded and tilted his head to the side.

"Not fair!" She exclaimed. "You're using the take-pity-on-me face"

"Is it working?" He smiled and she couldn't resist smiling back at him.

"No…I…" She tried yet again to explain, but was – yet again – interrupted by Matt.

"If Jess is what you're worrying about I could look him in his room and hide the key"

"I don't worry about Jess" She answered quickly, wanting to get that suspicion off his mind. A little too quick probably, judging by the look on Matt's face.

"Okay then…" He smiled and it was a victorious smile as if he had already won her over. "…there's nothing standing in the way of a nostalgia weekend, catching up on our friendship"

"I don't know…" She started but trailed off. She had missed Matt and if only she stayed out of both Jess' and Chris' ways there was no harm in her catching up with an old friend, was there?

"You said he's back Sunday, right?" He asked for confirmation and she nodded. "Then we could have a classic movie night tonight and I could introduce you to all the new take-out places in the neighborhood. There's actually this one place, Mix it up – yeah that's the actual name of the place – that specializes in mixing food from different parts of the world into one meal. Last week they had Indian/Mexican week"

"Bold" Rory laughed.

"You have no idea, I think this week is Asian/American week, not as bold as Indian/Mexican week, but nonetheless interesting. Then tomorrow you could come and watch me work the lunch shift and then we could go out somewhere for an early dinner and if you want to you could be back in New Haven tomorrow night – plenty of time for you to sleep your beauty sleep and greet the fiancé when he gets home"

Matt looked at her across the table, eagerly leaning forward as he waited for her answer.

Rory sighed and threw her head back. "What movies were you thinking?" She asked as she dropped her back down again and met his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you a thousand times for the reviews you've left! It makes me very happy!_

_I messed things up when counting days and I had to go back and change a tiny little thing in the very last part of the previous chapter: When Rory and Matt talk in the end it sounds as if he's suggesting that she would stay for two nights and then drive back (and that was how I meant for it to sound) but now, I've changed it into one night and one day. _

_I'll recap the last lines for you, so you don't have to go back to see the changes:_

* * *

"You have no idea, I think this week is Asian/American week, not as bold as Indian/Mexican week, but nonetheless interesting. Then tomorrow you could come and watch me work the lunch shift and then we could go out somewhere for an early dinner and if you want to you could be back in New Haven by tomorrow night – plenty of time for you to sleep your beauty sleep and greet the fiancé when he gets home"

Matt looked at her across the table, eagerly leaning forward as he waited for her answer.

Rory sighed and threw her head back. "What movies were you thinking?" She asked as she dropped her head back down again and met his eyes.

* * *

"She was _not_ flirting with me" Matt stated with an amused tone of voice as he opened the door to the apartment and held it open for Rory to step through.

"Of course she was" Rory turned to face him when she entered the hallway. "Come on! 'Odd choice of movies for a date'" Rory mimicked the girl from the video store's voice. "'Oh, this is not a date'" She darkened her voice to mimic Matt's and he grinned wide at her acting.

"I come in there a lot" Matt defended himself while hanging his coat on the rack and taking the bag with movies and take-out in his hand. "We're friends"

Rory shook her head. "She was flirting and so were you. End of story"

Matt rolled his eyes as he flung an arm over her shoulders and headed for the living room. "Whatever"

At the very same time Rory and Matt stepped over the threshold they spotted Jess standing in front of the bookshelves in the living room. He turned around with a book still in his hand when they entered the room.

"Oh. Hey" Rory said and without thinking about it she took a small step away from Matt and started wringing her hands together in front of her stomach.

"Hi" Jess waved the book in his hand a little as to, without the use of words, explains his presence in his own living room.

"I'm just gonna…" Matt held the bag of food up in front of them and excused himself. Rory casted a sideway glare at him, which he conveniently chose to ignore as he moved away towards the kitchen.

They stood for a while in an uncomfortable silence before Rory cleared her throat, an action that made Jess look up from examining the cover of the book he held in his hands.

"The girl at the video store was flirting with Matt" Rory informed in an attempt to break the silence and start a conversation on a neutral subject. She tried to smile to assure him of her friendliness. It felt half-hearted and probably looked it as well.

Jess nodded. "So I heard"

She nodded as well, unsure of how to continue. "I…" She started and then drifted off. "We…" She began again but stopped to take a breath before she made a third attempt in which the words came out fast and almost sounded like she was defending her presence in the room, which she, come to think of it, kind of was. "Matt invited me to stay for a movie night"

Jess nodded again. "Okay"

"So there's no rush for you to sign the papers" She continued in her attempts to be friendly and act nice.

He quirked an eyebrow at her as he put the book back on the shelf.

"I mean, you can give them to me before I leave tomorrow" She explained and he nodded again – an action that was starting to annoy her. She was trying desperately to make nice conversation and all he offered in response was nodding.

"If that's okay with you?" She asked, trying to get something other than a nod out of him. "That I stay" She clarified her question.

"Sure" He shrugged his shoulders before he retreated into his room.

Rory sighed and went to look for Matt, who had surely been taking his time getting the food ready.

* * *

"You go make some more popcorn and I'll put in the next movie" Matt said as he got up from the couch, putting an end to their heated discussion on whether the 2005 version or the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice was a better movie adaption.

Matt had argued that Colin Firth _was_ Mr. Darcy and Rory had – as per usual – defended the movie he bashed just because it was fun to do so and she loved arguing with him. Even at times when they did in fact agree, Rory had to disagree a little just for the fun of it. It was their thing. She had missed it.

"You're really gonna let me be in charge of the cooking part of this?" Rory widened her eyes and looked at him incredulously. He grinned.

"Well…There's no chance in hell I'm letting you anyway near my new DVD-player, that's for sure. And it's microwave-popcorn, you can't mess it up!"

A mischievous smile spread across Rory's face. "You know you're talking to a Gilmore, right?"

"Yeah" He ushered her towards the kitchen with a smile as he added: "A Gilmore that will have to endure her movie without popcorn if she messes them up"

Rory gasped at him in mock terror before she laughed and made her way towards the kitchen.

She rummaged through the bag Matt left on the counter, found the popcorn and placed a bag in the microwave.

She leaned back on the counter and waited for the popping to begin.

_"What are you doing?"Jess came in to the kitchen and gave Rory a quick peck on the lips before he took a glass out of the cupboard and started filling it with water._

_"Popping popcorn" She smiled proudly when Jess raised his eyebrows at her._

_"Matt does know you're a Gilmore, right?"_

_"Shut up!" She punched him lightly on the shoulder._

_"I'm just saying" He held his hands up to defend himself with a happy smile on his lips._

_She pouted and he tilted his head when he continued mocking her cooking skills. "I'm just hoping he has a fire extinguisher prepared" He took a small step closer. "Or at least another bag of popcorn"_

_"Hey" She slapped her wrist against his chest and he quickly grabbed it and drew her closer to him. She smiled when she put her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss._

_"How many movies left on this movie night?" He whispered as he let his lips travel across her jaw line towards the soft skin right beneath her ear._

_She gasped. "One"_

_With his hand firmly placed on the small of her back he pressed her body closer to his and found her lips with his again. "Wake me up if I'm asleep when you're done" He mumbled against her lips and she nodded before she pressed her lips against his._

_He sighed a content sigh before he drew back. "Don't burn the popcorns" He whispered against her ear and his warm breath against her skin made her shudder. _

_He smiled as he walked away, wiggling his eyebrows at her. She smiled back and stood there for a few seconds, all consumed by the happiness rushing through her body, before she remembered the task she'd been assigned in the kitchen._

"What's that burning smell?" Rory literally jumped away from the counter when Matt entered the kitchen, sniffing the air.

"Oh God!" Rory launched towards the microwave when she suddenly remembered the popcorns. She had been so lost in her memories she had completely forgotten about the popcorns.

"Sorry" She offered when Matt pulled a smoking bag out of the microwave and threw it in the sink.

"It's okay. I should have figured" He smiled. "Have you ever made popcorn without burning at least half the bag?"

"It's unheard of" She smiled as well.

* * *

Rory sighed and turned on the couch again. Sleep seemed to be so far away, so unattainable. She was tired. She had barely been able to keep her eyes open while watching the last movie. And now she was wide awake.

It was as if the apartment was too familiar to fall asleep in, if that made any sense at all. Every way she looked there was a memory waiting to be stirred up.

Even if she closed her eyes there was a smell lingering in the apartment. She couldn't describe it, but it was the smell of her old life. Of Jess and her.

She had read about is somewhere, about how the olfactory organ was somehow connected to the part of the brain that was associated with memory. She couldn't quite remember how or why, but if there had ever been any doubt in her mind about the veracity of it, she was definitely convinced now.

Trying to avoid all the familiar smells in the apartment she stopped breathing through her nose and instead opened her mouth.

That worked for about a minute before her mouth felt as dry as a desert. She sighed as she slowly got up to go get a glass of water.

Not wanting to wake anyone else up she carefully avoided turning on any lights as she headed towards the kitchen. There she almost screamed as she bumped into someone in front of the refrigerator.

"It's just me" She heard Jess' voice trying to calm her down and she felt ashamed at how easily scared she was.

"I couldn't sleep" She explained.

Her eyes were starting to get used to the darkness in the kitchen and she could see him nodding. "Water?" He opened the fridge and held a bottle out towards her.

"Thank you" She took the bottle and opened it right away. She felt his eyes on her as she took a huge gulp out of the bottle.

He played with the cap of his bottle, but didn't open it. "So you're back at school?" He asked and she was surprised to learn that he obviously had extended his will to converse to more than simple nods.

"I was" She nodded fervently. "I graduated last week."

"Good" He nodded as well, but at least this time the nod was accompanied by words. "You should never have dropped out in the first place."

She felt her heart drop. Maybe this wasn't an attempt at a friendly chatter. "Don't, Jess"

"I'm just saying" He shrugged his shoulders. "School and study, that's your thing, you shouldn't have given up on it, I shouldn't have asked you to give it up"

She sighed, her voice tired. "Well, everything worked out for the best"

"Seems like it" He replied and with that he turned around and headed back towards his bedroom.

When she heard the door to his room slam shut a memory of another slammed door flittered across her mind.

_"You can't walk out in the middle of a conversation!" Rory screamed as Jess left the living room and headed towards the front door._

_"This isn't a conversation anymore – it's a fight!" He snapped back._

_"Even more reason why you can't leave in the middle of it" She shouted and took a few angry steps towards the hallway._

_"Watch me!" He answered as he walked out the door and slammed it shut behind him._

Rory pinched her eyes together as she stood in the dark. How had they come to that? To fighting and shouting at each other?

It wasn't supposed to be like that. But she hadn't been able to stop it, neither of them had. It had been like sitting in the backseat of a car, speeding towards a massive rock face without being able to do anything but sit back and watch as they headed closer and closer to the final crash.

She sighed and took the bottle with her back to the couch. They had lost it. They had lost everything that made them happy. They had lost it and forgotten were to search for it.

* * *

Rory blinked a few times and stretched her body before she opened her eyes completely to the daylight shining through the windows and filling the living room. She sat up on the couch and pulled the blanket closer around her.

The apartment was quiet. She looked around, not sure whether she should get up or if she should stay put until Matt woke up. She didn't want anyone (that would be Jess) to think she was pushing the boundaries of her welcome by snooping around.

Her eyes caught sight of a green post-it stuck to the water bottle she retrieved the night before and placed on the coffee table next to her. She reached for the bottle and read the post-it.

_Make yourself at home. I'm at work, come see me if you get bored._

_/Matt_

_P.s Jess is going with me, so you'll have the apartment all to yourself_

Rory took the note off the bottle and held it in her hand. It was a Saturday and she wondered if Jess was working too, or if he had accompanied Matt only to avoid being left alone with her. If the latter was the case, she wasn't sure whether she was relieved or disappointed.

She sighed. Of course she was relieved; the tension between them was weird and the less time they spent together the better.

'Coffee' she thought, effectively pushing the thoughts about Jess away in favor for a more urgent one. There should be coffee in the kitchen, she reasoned as she got up with the blanket still wrapped around her shoulders.

Within seconds, she found the coffee – on the same shelf where she herself had put it years ago. A smile spread across her face as she opened the bag and sniffed the air above it.

After starting a pot of coffee, Rory wandered around the living room, waiting for the pot to be done and for that wonderful smell of freshly brewed coffee to spread. The living room looked pretty much the same.

A few of the things she had added while living here were missing. Like the silly little ceramic frog she had bought at a flea market and insisted to place where you would immediately catch sight of it the moment you stepped into the living room.

Every day, either Matt or Jess would move the frog to a less visible place and every day she would find it and move it back. She chuckled. It had developed into an ever on-going game of hide-and-seek. She wondered where the frog was now.

The bookshelves were still in the same place and still filled with books. Rory slowly walked up t it and began running her finger along the spines of the books in the bookshelf. There were a few new titles in it.

She remembered how they had bickered when moving her things in and realized that all their books combined were too many to fit into the bookshelf.

It had been a couple of days of debating – both of them coming up with several, in their own opinions, valid arguments as to why a certain book deserved a spot in the bookshelf and why another should be stored in a box under the bed.

On the third day Jess had gone out and bought another bookshelf. That meant they didn't have the money to paint the spare room right away – but at least their books had a nice home and they didn't use the spare room anyway.

She smiled at the memory as she reached the end of the bookshelf. Her smile faded though as a realization hit her. None of her books were in it anymore.

She went back and looked it over one more time. No. All her books were gone, banished from the shelves. She wondered what he had done with them, if he had thrown them away. He wouldn't do that, would he?

Tentatively, all while casting glances across her shoulder, she took a few steps in the direction of Jess' room. There was another bookshelf in there; maybe he had simply moved them out of sight for everyone else?

She stopped outside the door, debating whether she should go in or not. She was curious, not only about her books, she had to admit that. She wondered if he still slept in the same bed – their bed; if the second drawer in the bureau was still broken.

Quickly, before she changed her mind, she pressed down the handle and pushed the door open. She didn't move from her spot on the floor as she waited and listened. She was still alone. With one last glance towards the front door, she took a deep breath and stepped into his room.

She looked around the room. It basically looked the same. The same minus all of her things, she noticed as she walked over to the bookshelf. It was littered with books, not even half as tidy as the bookshelf in the living room – but none of the books was hers.

She turned her back towards the bookshelf and looked around the room again. She couldn't quite explain the feeling of relief when she noticed there wasn't anything even remotely resembling girl's stuff that had replaced her things.

The bed was neatly made, a habit she always suspected he picked up while living with Luke.

She walked over to the bed and sat down on it. It was the same bed and it was neatly made, a habit she had always suspected he had picked up while living with Luke. How could he stand to sleep in their bed, surrounded by all the memories it held?

As on a whim and without really thinking about it, she pulled the drawer of his nightstand open and peered into it. There were no condoms in it. At least that's a good thing, she thought without really knowing _why_ it was a good thing.

She was just about to close to the drawer and get out of the room before anyone came home and found her in it, when something caught her eye. It was a frame facing upside down.

She recognized the frame and couldn't stop her hands from shaking slightly as she pulled it out and looked at it. It was their wedding photo. Chris had taken it with a disposable camera and then he and Matt had framed the photo and given it to them as a wedding present.

They looked happy. Back then, their problems had been small enough to hide behind a smile and a kiss.

She sighed and placed the frame back in the drawer. When doing so, she felt a paper against her fingers and without even looking at it, she instantly knew what piece of paper it was. She couldn't believe he kept it all this time. She had been sure he would have ripped to pieces and thrown it away.

She pinched the paper between her fingers and pulled it out. It was a small note, only two words in her handwriting.

_I'm sorry._

_ She looked down at the words on the paper and took a deep sigh, trying to hold back her tears. Why was it so hard? The hard thing should be to make the decision, not to go through with it. _

_She took a deep breath to calm herself down and slowly slid the wedding ring off her finger and placed it next to the words on the paper._

_"I love you." She whispered out into the silence, as if the words would maybe linger in the room and ease his pain when reading her parting words. A tear escaped her eye and fell on the paper, smudging the 'y' in sorry._

_She ran her hand over her face, wiping away the traces of the tear and turned around and walked away. In the hallway she picked up her bag in which she stuffed the most prized of her possessions and with a last look over her shoulder she left the apartment._

She hadn't heard a word from him since that day. A fact that made her even more decided that her decision to leave had been for the better for both of them. They had been slowly destroying each other and would have kept doing so until it was too late.

With the unexplainable feeling of tears stinging behind her eyes, Rory placed the note back in the drawer, closed it and hurried out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

_I rewrote the last chapter, or rather added some things, which made the chapter pretty long, so I divided it in two._

_There's been some really messed up things happening around me and I haven't been dealing with them all that well. Usually when I need to escape and think about anything but what's going on around me I write – but this time I just couldn't focus and because of that the last chapter was merely the result of me gluing together pieces I had already written in advance and skipping a lot of things that I had originally planned for to happen…_

_I'm sorry for that and hope you'll like the things I added…_

_I'm still struggling through a lot of crap, so if these chapters doesn't seem to be as well-written as you had hoped – please don't hate me, at least I'm trying!_

_Your reviews means the world - thanks for taking the time to write them!  
_

_And I will update my other stories too, soon, I just felt this one was most urgent as I had already posted a chapter that didn't look like I had planned for it to.  
_

* * *

An hour or so later, after several cups of strong coffee to try and drown the guilt she felt over having sneaked in to Jess' room, Rory stepped through the door at Truncheon. She had to get out of the apartment to resist the urge of snooping around even more; to find out if he had kept more memorabilia of her or if the pieces she found were the only things he kept.

Her eyes immediately fell on Matt, standing behind the counter, talking to a customer. When noticing her on her way over, he smiled and nodded in her direction.

She nodded back and smiled as well. Matt was always happy, he always had a positive outlook on life that was contagious to everyone in his vicinity. It seemed as if there were no problems big enough to wipe the smile off his face.

Rory slumped down at the counter and patiently waited for Matt to finish attending the customers.

"Sleep well?" Matt rested his upper body on the other side of the counter.

"Yeah" She answered and nodded to further confirm her reply.

"I didn't want to wake you, I know how you feel about mornings" He smirked.

"Not my favorite part of the day" She confirmed.

He scoffed, turned around and within a matter of seconds a fresh cup of coffee was placed in front of her.

Rory bit her lip as she accepted the beverage. "I kind of already made a large dent in your supply of coffee back at the apartment"

Matt opened his mouth in surprise and gasped at her. "What is it I hear?" He looked around the store. "Is the apocalypse near? Is the hell freezing over? Are pigs learning how to fly?"

Rory rolled her eyes as he continued: "Because all of those things are things I always thought more plausible to occur than hearing Rory Gilmore turning down a cup of coffee"

She clutched the cup in a possessive manner. "I'm not saying I'm turning it down" Trying to look stern, she took a sip out of the cup. "I'm merely _informing_ you"

Matt laughed and with a "Whatever" he turned to attend a new customer.

* * *

Standing up from her seat at the counter, Rory took a deep breath and walked over to the couch where she'd spotted him moments earlier.

Matt was engaged in helping a woman decide whether she wanted a piece of pie or a cinnamon bun to accompany her coffee and she was grateful for that. He would probably read something into this.

Which was ridiculous, she told herself. Completely ridiculous. There was nothing to read into anything and she had every right to ask the question she was about to ask. There was nothing weird about it.

She gathered all of her courage as she approached the couch and almost without hesitating, she sat down next to him. Jess looked up from his book for a second, noticed her and then went back to reading.

Nervously, Rory looked down at her lap and bit her lower lip while she debated with herself whether she should really ask what she came over there to ask or whether she should just let it be. She swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath.

"Where are all of my things?" The question wasn't accusing, or at least she hoped it wasn't and she watched him raise his eyebrows as he closed the book in his hands.

"I mean…" She hurriedly continued. "…I understand if you threw them away or something. I–I was just…curious" Her eyes darted back into her lap as she waited for his response.

"I put them in storage" He answered simply, without any showing of emotions; neither in his voice nor on his face.

"Oh" She breathed out and watched as he opened his book again, shutting her out.

* * *

Rory fumbled with the lock to the storage room, before it finally gave in and she was able to push the door open and step inside.

It wasn't much – just a few boxes and a couple of bags.

A quick glance told her that the bags were primarily stuffed with clothes, while the boxes seemed to hold books and other stuff.

She pulled the lid of off one of the boxes and sat down on another and a smile spread across her face as she looked into it and recognized her books. She ran her hands over them. There was _Anna Karenina_. She had missed her. She'd bought herself a new copy, but it wasn't the same. She had missed _this_ book. And there was _Tom Sawyer_ and _Huckleberry Finn_ – she'd missed them too.

Moving the books around to see what was underneath; her hands froze as she suddenly held her copy of _The Howl_ in her hand. The copy Jess had 'borrowed' from her when they first met.

She didn't know if that was his purpose when stealing her book, but he had certainly raised her interest with that move. Not to talk about the notes he had left in it… Her smile was melancholy as she put the book aside and continued to search through the box.

The box seemed to contain nothing but books and even though she loved her books, she was more interested in knowing what else was in here. She put the lid back on the box and turned to her other side.

This one looked more promising. It was a smaller box and when the first thing her eyes fell on when she opened it was the silly little ceramic frog. She giggled as she held it up and wondered why she never named it. She placed it on a shelf right next to her and dived back into the box.

Her heart clenched when she moved a few papers around and spotted and envelope with the name _Lorelai Gilmore_ written on it. She picked it up and held it to her chest.

_Rory looked down at the paper in front of her and struggled hard not to cry. She didn't want the paper to be dented with tears._

_'12.'_

_She wrote the number on the first empty line, continuing the ever growing list._

_'Because, as much as I miss you, Stars Hollow, Yale and even grandma and grandpa, I can't even begin to imagine how empty my life would feel without him.'_

_Rory put the pen away on her bedside table, folded the paper in half and reached for a worn envelope with the name 'Lorelai Gilmore', followed by a Stars Hollow-address written on it_

_Her hands shook as she placed the letter inside._

_She knew she wouldn't send it. No matter how good her reasons were, her mother's stubbornness was greater and she had already decided that Jess was Satan personified and didn't deserve any second chances._

_"Maybe one day" Rory thought as she put the envelope in the drawer of her nightstand, closed it and turned off the lights. She crept down under the covers and snuggled closer to the warm body on the other side of the bed._

_Half asleep, Jess stretched his arm out, placed it around her waist and pulled her closer. A gesture that, despite everything she'd left behind, made her feel that there was no place in the world that she'd rather be._

With a sigh Rory placed the envelope back in the box. For some reason she couldn't quite articulate she knew it would be a bad idea to read through it.

"Pretty silly, huh?" She said, directed towards the frog, whom only stared blankly back at her.

She literally jumped of the box when the sound of her phone ringing filled the small space of the storage. Giggling nervously at herself for her jumpiness she pulled her phone out and answered without looking at it.

"Hey!" Logan's voice sounded through the phone.

"Hey" She answered as she placed the frog back in the box, feeling a little sad as she did so. The poor frog was doomed to spend the rest of his life stored away in a box only because she and Jess were incapable of making things work.

"Everything okay?" He sounded worried and Rory forced herself to smile.

"Yeah, everything's fine" She put the lid back on the box and headed towards the door. "Except the fact that I'm missing you of course" She added as she stopped to close the door behind her.

"Good"

Rory barely heard him, as a thought flittered through her mind and she turned on her feet, went back into the storage, pulled the lid of the last box she'd been looking through and stuffed the envelope containing the letter into her purse.

"I miss you too Ace" Logan continued and Rory smiled at the warm feeling spreading through her body at his words.

"Yeah?" She locked the storage behind her and started walking away, smiling as Logan started reassuring her just how much it sucked being away from her this soon after the engagement.

* * *

With Matt's keys in hand, Rory walked the stairs to the apartment. There should be enough time for her to take a quick shower before Matt's shift ended. She scolded herself for not having brought with her a change of clothes out of the storage. She'd been wearing the same outfit since she got here.

To her surprise the door to the apartment wasn't locked and the keys still hung unused in her hand as she stepped inside.

"Hello?" She asked tentatively into the apartment. There was no answer.

"Hello?" She asked again as she carefully stepped into the living room, trying to survey as much of the apartment as she could at the same time.

She screamed a very girlish smile and jumped about feet high as the bathroom door suddenly flung open.

Her heart beat what felt like a million beats per minute as she stared at Jess, trying to get her brain to understand that it was the proprietor of the apartment standing before her and not an intruder.

"You scared me half to death" She explained when she felt him looking at her.

"I noticed" He stated and then strode towards the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and seemed to debate something with himself, before he turned around. "There's coffee in the kitchen if you want" He offered and started walking again.

"Thanks" She murmured, still embarrassed over her screaming earlier.

After taking a few moments to gather herself, Rory followed Jess into the kitchen. He looked up as she entered and nodded towards a cup, filled with coffee, standing on the kitchen table.

"Black, right?" He asked and she nodded as she sat down.

She took a sip and marveled over the fact that coffee, from the same bag and brewed in the same brewer, could taste so differently depending on who made it. Jess' coffee tasted like drops of heaven. It always did. The coffee she had made this morning had been good enough to start the day, but nothing like this.

"It's good" She said and took another sip. He simply nodded in response.

With the feeling of being watched, Rory darted her head up just in time to see Jess turn and look the other way. She looked down at the table again.

"Thank you…" She started spinning her cup on the table as she talked, to avoid having to look at him. "…for not throwing everything away."

He put his cup down on the counter and shrugged his shoulders. "I figured someday you'd want it all back."

The double meaning of his words didn't go by unnoticed and she wondered whether it was intentional. Completely unaware of how obvious her discomfort and nervousness were showing, she bit her lower lip and looked intently at the table, trying to figure out how to continue and stir the conversation to safer grounds.

Why these grounds felt so incredibly unsafe to tread she had no idea and she definitely had no desire to get one either.

Jess cleared his throat and to prevent him from talking Rory uttered the first words that came to mind. "I'll compensate you for the rental fee"

A flash of surprise flittered over his face and Rory felt relief washing over her when the moment they almost shared seemed shattered. She stood up from her seat and started searching through the pockets of her jeans, looking for her wallet.

He dismissed her with a wave of his hand and a headshake. "Nah, don't worry 'bout it."

Rory nodded. With the silence that ensued, a tension started building up in the room – or was that only her imagination playing tricks on her due to the double meaning of his words.

Without her permission her feet started moving and she took a small step closer to him. 'What are you doing?' She inwardly asked herself as she watched her hand, as in slow motion, fly across the air from her side to his shoulder.

'Stop it!' She screamed at herself inside her head, but her body rudely ignored her and she could feel her lips drawing a smile on her face before she opened her mouth.

"I'm sorry Jess…" She searched for his eyes and that's when the conscious parts of her brain caught up with the rest of her body and she allowed herself to get lost into those deliciously brown eyes one last time. "…for everything" She mumbled without taking her eyes off of his.

For a split second, Jess' eyes dropped to the hand on his shoulder, but then quickly made their way back to hers. "I'm sorry too…" She felt his body moving closer to her, he was only inches away now and she could feel his breath against her cheek when he added: "…for everything"

His gaze was intense and somehow warm at the same time. 'Danger, danger' something screamed in the back of her mind. In an attempt to avoid the intensity of his gaze, Rory casted her eyes down and the saying 'out of the frying-pan and into the fire' would probably have been a perfect description of what happened inside her when her gaze fell on his lips instead.

For a moment she forgot to breathe as she looked at Jess' lips, unable to draw her eyes away from them. They looked so soft and…kissable. And only inches away.

She closed her eyes and almost without knowing it she leaned in closer to him. Jess didn't move, but she could feel him breathing heavily as if he too had forgotten how to breathe regularly. When her lips softly and hesitantly touched his, he was holding his breath back.

She sighed deeply, knowing she shouldn't do this. She couldn't really remember why she shouldn't though. It felt so right, so good, so incredibly tempting.

Slowly, her hand traveled from his shoulder to the back of his neck. The touch of his short neck hair against her fingers felt so familiar, and she was amazed that she had forgotten how wonderful it felt against her fingers.

Rory opened her mouth slightly and their lips were so close she could feel him doing the same.

His arm circled her waist and he pulled her closer as she leaned in to close the tiny little gap between their mouths.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you for all your wonderful reviews – they actually do make me feel better!_

_As for life, I guess you just have to learn to roll with the punches, right?_

_Right now, I'm guessing you don't want to hear me babbling, you want to know what happened with the kiss? Well, here it is!_

* * *

Recap from last chapter: 

_Rory opened her mouth slightly and their lips were so close she could feel him doing the same. _

_His arm circled her waist and he pulled her closer as she leaned in to close the tiny little gap between their mouths._

* * *

"I have wonderful news!"

As if hit by lightning Rory jumped back from Jess when the front door suddenly flung open and Matt stormed into the kitchen seconds later with a big smile on his lips.

Rory's heart pounded in her chest. She had almost kissed Jess. Their lips had touched for an inch of a second before Matt's voice had frightened her and made her jump away.

She had almost cheated on her fiancé by kissing her husband. The situation was already messed up and she had been terrifyingly close to messing it up even more.

She resisted the urge to lift her hand up and feel her lips with her fingertips.

It was a good thing Matt had showed up when he did. God knows what could have happened if he hadn't.

Or was it? She couldn't help but feel just the slightest little bit of disappointment over the interrupted kiss.

With her head bent down, seemingly staring at the floor, Rory watched from the corner of her eye as Jess took several deep breaths to regain his composure before meeting Matt's eyes with a forced smile on his lips.

"What?" He asked, his voice probably sounding harsher than he meant to, because he cleared his throat and asked again, this time in a more friendly voice. "What news?"

Matt, seemingly ignorant to the tension in the room, waved a bunch of papers in front of Jess' face. "Our loan application went through!"

The forced smile on Jess' lips turned into a sincere one and he chuckled happily while tearing the papers away from Matt's hand. "It did?" He looked down at the papers and mumbled to himself as he read through them.

"It did." Matt confirmed with a proud smile as he walked towards one of the cupboards and took down three champagne glasses, which he started filling from a bottle he'd brought with him when he came storming through the door.

Not quite knowing what to do with herself, Rory watched Jess while he read the papers. Both he and Matt seemed to have forgotten her presence in the kitchen as neither of them made an effort to explain anything to her. She tried to peek at the papers over Jess' shoulder. Loan application? A loan for what?

Matt turned around and shoved a glass of champagne into Rory's hand. "Celebrating time" He explained when met with Rory's confused face.

"Does Chris know?" Jess looked up from the papers when Matt handed him a glass as well.

"Of course he does, I was in the store when I got the call. He's joining us for celebration when his shift's over. I snuck out early to tell you the news" Matt picked up his glass and smiled wide as he waited for Jess to finish looking through the papers.

Rory looked at her glass and spun it around in her hands a few times before she looked up at the guys again. "May I ask what we're celebrating?"

"You don't know?" Matt's eyebrows shot up in surprise when Rory replied with a shake of her head and he nudged Jess' shoulder. "You didn't tell her?"

"It's none of her business" He answered without taking his eyes of the papers. "Besides, you're the one that's been spending time with her"

Matt dismissed him by rolling his eyes and turned to Rory. "Our loan application just went through and we're adding a publishing house to the coffee/book store!"

"You are?" She chirped, immediately caught up in the excitement. "That's amazing!"

"I know!" Matt's face gleamed with happiness, Jess didn't take his eyes off of the papers. "To Truncheon books, coffee and publishing!" He announced and raised his glass.

The cheer forced Jess to put the papers down, and he raised his glass along with Rory and Matt.

"To Truncheon" He repeated and even though he didn't really smile, Rory could very well see the happiness in his eyes.

"So, here's what I'm thinking…" Matt started as he sat down on a chair at the kitchen table, soon followed by Jess and within seconds they were engaged in conversation about where to begin with their new business. Rory smiled at the image of them sitting there and backed out of the kitchen.

Rory looked around the living room, while her mind processed the information she just heard. Their lived had taken different directions. They had made something of themselves – together. She had made something of herself on her own, and in a way she envied them.

She shook that thought away as she headed towards the hallway and slowly slid her coat on, thinking that it was probably for the better that she left and let them celebrate this amazing news on their own. Without her.

A thought crossed her mind and she ventured back into the living room, grabbed the post-it that Matt had left her this morning, turned it around and started writing on the back of it.

It was better that she didn't bother Jess with the divorce papers now. He deserved to celebrate tonight. He could look at them tomorrow or on Monday, when they were done celebrating and then send them to her. He knew it was urgent and he didn't need her around to remind him of that.

She nodded as if trying to convince herself that her sudden want to leave had nothing to do with the almost-kiss and everything to do with wanting the guys to celebrate without feeling they had to include her.

Of course that was the case. The almost kiss was nothing. It was a moment of temporary insanity if anything. Yes. Insanity. That was it.

She left the note with her address on it at the coffee-table and headed towards the kitchen.

"So…" Rory said calling their attention towards her where she was standing in the door frame with her purse in her hand.

The discussion between the guys died out and they both turned to face her. "I left my address on the coffee-table…She continued, turned to Jess. "…if you could just send the divorce papers to me when–"

"You're not celebrating with us?" Matt interrupted her with a clearly disappointed tone in his voice.

Rory shook her head. "I–"

"She has more important places to be" Jess answered in her place. "Cocktail parties and charity events, maybe a portrait waiting to be painted…." His eyes were cold and hard when they met hers.

She knew he was challenging her, or trying to make her feel bad for moving on with her life. Either way, she felt a strong need to prove him wrong.

She _did_ care about them, all three of them. It was for _their _sake that she had felt it was better she left them alone. Not because she didn't care or because she had more important things to do.

Only because she had moved on with her life and met new friends it didn't mean she forgot about her old friends. She tried to make her eyes look as cold and hard as Jess', and judging by the questioning look on his face she most probably succeeded.

"Actually…" She said as she started to take her coat off. "…I wouldn't want to miss this celebration for the world"

Jess rolled his eyes when Rory walked up to them and hung her coat over a chair before she joined them at the table.

* * *

Rory flushed the toilet and then sat down at the closed lid, burying her face in her hands. What was she doing? Hanging out with Jess and Matt like this. Having fun.

Was it wrong to have fun with your soon-to-be ex-husband while you were engaged to someone else? It probably was. Ex-husband and fun were two things that usually didn't go well together.

But having fun wasn't the same as wanting to be with him, she reasoned with herself. Only because she was hanging out with some of her old friends it didn't mean she wanted that life back. She had left that life and she was happy now. With Logan. She was happy with Logan.

Besides, if her and Jess were able to laugh and have fun together all while getting divorced, wasn't that a sign that they were both pleased with the turn of events? She nodded to herself. Yes, it was.

She only wished she had had a chance to tell Logan about all of this before he left. Lying to him about her whereabouts over the phone earlier had placed an enormous amount of guilt upon her shoulders.

Lying to your fiancé wasn't a great start to a marriage. Heck – being married to someone else wasn't a great start to a marriage either, but they would make it work. Of course they would.

Pulling her hands away from her face, Rory sighed.

Yeah, she felt guilty.

But the largest amount of guilt didn't spring from her lying to Logan or having fun with Jess and Matt. It didn't even spring from the almost-kiss with Jess.

No, most of the guilt came from the fact that she couldn't deny that somewhere deep inside she wished Matt hadn't interrupted them when he did.

She pondered for a few moments, while subconsciously sinking her teeth into her lower lip, before she reached for her phone in the front pocket of her jeans.

_I miss you_, she quickly typed in a text, scrolled down to find Logan's name and hit send.

She did, she thought and nodded to herself. She did miss Logan. She loved Logan and she was going to marry him and follow him across the country and start a new life with him.

She just needed to take care of some unfinished business in her old life first. That was all that she was doing here. Taking care of unfinished businesses.

"Hey! We're leaving in ten minutes, Chris is waiting at the pub!" Matt shouted through the closed door.

Rory stirred and got up from her seat on the toilet and headed towards the sink. "I'm almost done!"

She quickly washed her hands in the sink and then stopped to take a look at herself in the mirror; not all that bad considering she hadn't planned on staying for more than a few hours when she planned this trip. She ran her hands over her clothes to straighten them out.

_A deep breath of air escaped Rory's lips as she stared at her reflection. 'You have your future ahead of you' she thought as she watched herself and then she pursed her lips together in discontent._

_What a stupid thing to say. Whatever your future held, you always had it in front of you – that was the essence of the future._

_Whatever the future held… _

_She slowly ran a hand over her flat stomach. _

_Whatever the future held._

* * *

"The drinks have arrived" Matt announced as he put a plate full of drinks down at the table.

With a skeptical look on his face, Jess poked the glittery straw sticking out of his drink. "What's up with the glitter?"

"Well…" Matt shrugged his shoulders in an excusing manner as he slumped down on the seat next to Rory. "…I asked her to make the drinks look celebratory" He quirked his eyebrows as he watched the drinks, glitter and stars and even glittery stars sticking out of it. "She might have gotten a little overexcited about the idea"

"A little" Chris stated as he took one of the drinks and placed it in front of him. He hesitated for a second, then took another drink off the plate and pushed it towards Rory with a smile on his face. She returned the smile.

"What did she think we were celebrating?" Rory asked as she examined her drink, completely oblivious to her use of the word 'we'. "New Years?"

"Probably" Matt nodded with a serious look on his face as he observed his drink. Seconds later he shrugged the serious look away and replaced it with a wide grin. "To Truncheon" He raised his glass and all while chuckling his three friends mimicked him.

"If you're going to keep up this cheering-rate I'm gonna be dead-drunk before midnight" Chris stated, but cheered along nonetheless.

"Hey!" Matt argued when done cheering and putting his glass back on the table. "If there was ever a time to cheer until you're dead-drunk – this would be it!"

"I'm just saying…" Chris took a sip on his drink. "…'cause it's most likely you that will have to carry my dead-drunk ass home"

"Yeah, right" Matt countered. "As long as I've known you, there's always been a pretty little girl that's offered to take that chore out of my hands"

"So that's what it's like?" Chris' voice was amused as the guys kept bantering the way they always did. "I get a little too drunk and suddenly you're shipping me off to the highest bidder?"

"Nah" Matt shrugged and smirked. "First bidder would probably be a more accurate description"

Rory looked down at her drink and giggled to herself while listening to them. She reached for the straw and took a sip of her drink when she suddenly felt very aware of the fact that someone was watching her.

She looked up and met Jess' eyes across the table. His face was expressionless as their eyes met for a few seconds before he looked away.

* * *

Rory sipped at her drink while watching Chris and Jess engage in a heated discussion regarding the actual rules to dart. At the moment, Chris was accusing Jess of cheating and Jess on the other hand was trying to explain his take on the rules.

"Hey." Matt said and nudged her arm, making her turn her attention across the table towards him. "When you go back to Hartford or New Haven or wherever, to your fancy life with your fancy fiancé, don't forget about us, okay?" He smiled. "Drop by every once in a while."

There was a hard lump forming in Rory's chest as she struggled to meet his eyes. "We…" She stopped to take a deep breath and her eyes dropped to the floor. She pinched them hard together to stop the stinging feeling of…tears? No, that couldn't be. "…we're moving to San Francisco" It took a great deal of effort to keep her voice steady and force her eyes off of the floor and back towards Matt.

"Oh" He breathed out and broke the eye contact.

"I'm sorry." She offered and to her surprise she really felt sorry. "Logan's work is there and–"

"Don't sweat it." Matt shrugged his shoulders and finished of his beer. "You want another one?" He nodded in the direction of the bar as he stood up from his seat.

"No" She shook her head. "Thanks anyway"


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm so sorry! It's been a long time and I know it's a short chapter. But a short chapter is better than no chapter, right?_

* * *

Rory sipped at her beer and looked around the pub. She hadn't seen Matt since he abruptly left the table about half an hour earlier. A deep sigh escaped her throat. She seemed to be constantly disappointing him since she came back; first the news about the divorce and her new fiancé and now the move across the country.

She shouldn't feel bothered; she had left this life behind a long time ago. She had already dealt with the feelings of loss and longing. But she couldn't shake off the feeling of sadness at the thought of leaving it again.

"You want to dance?" Out of nowhere Chris showed up by her side, offering her his hand and ripping her away from her thoughts.

Deciding to live in the moment and cherish her last night with her old friends, Rory smiled. Absolutely." She took his hand and stood up. "I got to warn you though…"

"…you have two left feet." Chris smiled as he finished the sentence for her and led her towards the dance floor. "I remember the big dance show off of -04. Still got a limp to remind me of it."

Rory stopped and gasped at his accusations. "You so do not have a limp!"

"I sure do!" He ushered her to continue towards the dance floor. "At least in cold weather"

She smirked. "That's not a real limp, that's a sign of old age!"

"Are you calling me old Rory Gilmore?" He raised his eyebrows before he swirled her around on the dance floor. "Do I need remind you that you're at least a month older than me?"

"Shush you" She giggled. "Concentrate on your dancing, it's bad enough to have two left feet, I don't want a limp to accompany them."

Chris laughed out loud at that as they both engaged in moving to the music on the very small dance floor.

* * *

Smirking at the sight of Rory and Chris dancing and laughing together, Matt sat himself down at the table that Rory had just left. He took a large gulp of his beer before setting it down on the table.

Couldn't she see that she belonged here? With them. At Truncheon. With Jess.

He was certain that he had interrupted something between her and Jess earlier that evening when he came rushing home. There was this tension in the room when he walked in. And Rory's not-so-subtle glances towards Jess.

She wasn't over him. At least not the kind of over you were supposed to be when getting divorced and marrying someone else.

And Jess definitely wasn't over her. He knew that for a fact.

He had to do something to make her see that; to get her to open her eyes.

He grinned to himself as an idea was starting to take form in his head.

* * *

Out on the dance floor, the music slowed down and couples started forming around Chris and Rory.

Slowly moving closer, Chris smiled and held his arms out. "You think your husband would mind if we danced to this?"

Rory shrugged. "Ex-husband" She corrected him and moved closer into his open arms.

"Only if you want him to be" Chris whispered quietly, almost too quiet. Rory wasn't even sure she was supposed to have heard it.

"What did you say?" She asked, just to make sure.

She couldn't explain why her heart was pounding so hard in her chest and why there was a fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wanted Jess to be her ex-husband. That's why she had come here, wasn't it?

There was a short moment of silence before Chris answered. "I hear you're moving to San Francisco." He said and she couldn't help but feel disappointed that the words out of his mouth weren't the words she heard him whisper.

"Yeah" She answered back, dragging the word out.

He shrugged. "I hear they have great weather. Lots of sun."

Rory nodded against his shoulder and hid her face against it as she felt silent tears starting to fall from her eyes. She didn't even know why she was crying. She had been living her life for a long time without either of them in it, so there was no logic whatsoever in her crying about leaving them behind.

But it wasn't just them.

She hadn't really thought about it before, but moving to San Francisco would mean leaving everyone behind; her mother, Lane, her grandparents, Luke, her father – everyone she loved and cared about.

When she said yes to Logan she also said yes to leaving all of them behind.

She felt Chris stroking her back as they danced, but neither of them said anything.

* * *

"One more!" Rory demanded as she slammed her empty shot glass down on the counter.

"Are you sure?" The barkeep tilted her head and examined Rory, who stared back, trying not to look as inebriated as she felt.

"I'm a paying customer" She reasoned. "And I want to pay for one more shot of tequila"

The barkeep rolled her eyes and poured her another glass.

"Thank you" Rory took the glass and emptied it with a grimace.

What was she doing here? Why had she insisted on celebrating with Matt and the guys? Why hadn't she accepted that this was no longer a part of her life and gone home?

She shouldn't be here. She should be at home planning for her wedding, for her move across the country, for her life with Logan. She shouldn't be here, trying to hold onto a life that she had walked out on years ago.

_Rory stared at the stick in her hand, not quite believing what she was seeing. Positive. The test was positive. She was pregnant. _

_It couldn't be. It had to be a mistake. They had been careful. They had been using protection. _

_She slid down on the bathroom floor, still holding the stick in her hand. What about her future? What about Yale and becoming a journalist?_

_This messed all that up. She had waited for too long and now it was too late. She couldn't go to college with a baby. _

_She rested her head against her knees and let her tears fall freely, wondering if her mother had felt her dreams slipping away just like this when she found out she was pregnant._

_Did she ever regret giving up on her dreams to raise a baby?_

_Was it possible to give up on everything you had worked towards for your entire life without resenting the person that had forced you to give it up?_

* * *

Having given up on the idea of drinking herself into forgetting that this wasn't where she was supposed to be, Rory headed outside to take a breath of fresh air and come up with a strategy of how to manage through the rest of the night without any more emotional crises.

She pushed the door open and walked out with large, determined steps. Though the determination quickly disappeared and the steps slowed down as she spotted someone she knew leaning against a wall, smoking.

"Oh" She uttered when she noticed him. "I didn't know you were out here"

Jess pushed himself off the wall and turned to face her. "Just wanted to get some air"

She bit her lip and nodded and they stood awkwardly in silence for a while as neither of them knew what to say.

"About what happened earlier…" Rory broke the silence while looking down at Jess' feet.

He shuffled them and cleared his throat before he picked up where she'd drifted off. "It was nothing" He stated.

"Right" She looked up and met his eyes. They looked warm and intense and she couldn't tear her own eyes away from them. "Nothing" She repeated.

"Nothing" He shrugged his shoulders slightly, still fixating her eyes with his.

"Temporary insanity if anything" She mumbled as she moved slightly closer to him

Jess stretched his hand out and touched her fingers. It was a light, soft touch, almost feather-like and it felt familiar and right, as if their fingers belonged together like two pieces of the same puzzle.

Tearing her eyes away from his gaze, Rory looked down at their fingers, which were slowly twining themselves together as if their actions were beyond her control. She sank her teeth into her lower lip and looked up to meet Jess' eyes again. "What are we doing?" She asked, although she kind of knew the answer already; she was doing what she'd wanted to do ever since that interrupted moment in the kitchen. Or maybe even before that, maybe this was what she'd wanted ever since she saw him sitting behind his desk at Truncheon.

"I don't know" He whispered back and moved towards her, closing the space between them.

Her reasons for coming to New York and seeing him again after all this time couldn't have been further from the conscious parts of her mind as she lifted her head up, closed her eyes and pressed her lips against his.

Jess wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer against his body as he kissed her back.

This time, there was no one there to interrupt the kiss and Rory let herself become completely engulfed in the feeling of Jess' lips against hers. She opened her mouth slightly to allow him to deepen the kiss and he did.


	10. Chapter 10

_I had a lot of trouble with how to write this chapter. I knew what I wanted it to be about, but I couldn't quite figure out how to get there, so after many rewrites I decided to write it from another point of view: Matt's. Or at least half of it, the rest of the story will be (as usual) from Rory's point of view._

* * *

Matt looked at the paper in front of him and smiled proudly. This would work. He was sure of it. If only she gave it a try, Rory would see that she and Jess belonged together. There was no doubt in his mind about that.

Well, the very passionate kissing he'd witnessed between the two when sneaking out of the pub was probably going to help as well. But he knew Rory; she needed this as well to help setting her mind straight. Kissing alone wasn't gonna do it.

Startled by a sudden rustle at the door and loud voices from the hallway, Matt flew out of his chair.

"Don't do that!" He heard Rory's voice, shouting from the hallway and he headed for the door to see what the fuss was about, but stopped in his tracks when he heard who she was yelling at.

"Don't do what?" Jess' tired and equally irritated voice asked.

No. No, no, no. What had happened? How had they gone from kissing outside the pub to this? Slowly and quietly Matt moved closer to the door and pressed his ear against it.

Eavesdropping wasn't polite. He knew that. But screw politeness – this was for the greater good. All is far in love and war, right?

"Don't get all quiet and bitter and shut me out" Rory pleaded and he heard Jess scoff in response.

"Shut you out?" He scoffed again. "Like you did with me?"

"You don't understand" Rory's voice was sad with a hint of desperation in it and he wondered if she was crying.

The voices were coming closer and it sounded as if though the fight had moved from the hallway and into the living room.

"What I do understand is that you should have told me" Jess' voice was restrained and Matt could very well picture the cold look he probably had on his face.

"We could have gotten through it together" Jess continued and Matt searched his brain to try and match the pieces. They were obviously talking about something that had happened when they were together.

"We could have supported each other" Jess' voice was softer now, and it had a hint of sadness that Matt had never heard in it before.

"You don't get it!" Rory shouted and he could hear her pacing around the living room. "I was relieved when I lost the baby"

Shocked, Matt took a step back from the door. The baby? Rory had been pregnant? When? Why hadn't she told anyone?

Even though his ear was no longer pressed against the door, Rory was talking loud enough for him to hear the rest of her confession.

"I had a life growing inside of me and all I felt when it died was relief. Relief because the future I had planned wasn't at risk anymore" Her voice was almost breaking and Matt assumed that she was crying. He wanted to go out there and comfort her, but he didn't. He figured this was something they needed to deal with on their own.

Rory's sobbing and heartfelt confession was met with silence for several minutes until the sound of Jess slamming his bedroom door echoed through the apartment.

Shocked over what he'd just learned, Matt backed further into his room until the back of his legs hit the bed and he sat down on it.

* * *

Rory woke up the next morning with sore eyes and a headache. The apartment was silent and she was relieved at that fact. She didn't want to face Jess after their fight last night.

Oh, the fight. Rory buried her face in her hands.

Why had she felt the need to explain to him why she left? Why couldn't she just have left things the way they were?

Why had she kissed him?

It had been stupid. Everything last night had been stupid. She shouldn't have stayed for the celebration. She was no longer a part of this life. She had left it.

She shouldn't have kissed Jess. She was engaged to be married. She really shouldn't have kissed Jess.

What worried her the most though, was all the feelings the kiss had stirred up. Feelings she had been sure she had buried so deep they would never surface again.

She shook it away. As soon as she go back home, those feelings would disappear again. Last night was nothing but a reminder of what her life had been like. Even the fight fit well in there.

Rory sighed and let her drop. Was that really all it was? Jess' lips against hers, his arms around her body – it had all felt so good. If she were to be totally honest with herself, she had been longing for that kiss ever since Matt had interrupted them in the kitchen.

She lifted her head and glanced over at Jess' bedroom door. The bedroom she'd shared with him. The door was closed.

Sighing again, she forced herself to stop staring at the closed door and her eyes fell on a stack of papers lying on the coffee table. She recognized them and picked them up.

It was the divorce papers. She quickly flipped through them. It was the divorce papers with Jess' signature on them.

There was no note. No words. Nothing but his signature, saying that he wouldn't contest the divorce.

_Rory looked into Jess' brown eyes and all nervousness she'd felt and all the doubts she'd had seemed to disappear in that instant. He was smiling. Not one of his usual smirks, but a real smile. _

_It made her smile too. It had been too long since she last saw him smiling like that. His smile grew wider as her smile had given his more energy. She couldn't resist a small giggle. This was crazy. They were both crazy for doing this._

_But it didn't matter – if being crazy felt this good, she'd chose it over sanity any time!_

_"I love you" Jess whispered._

_"I love you too" Rory whispered back before the minister stepped before them and called for their attention._

A lump starting growing in Rory's throat and she had to swallow hard several times. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she stood up from the couch, placed the papers neatly in her bag, grabbed it and headed for the hallway.

She stopped on the threshold and turned around to take one last look and make sure she hadn't left any of her stuff behind. She'd have to come back and get the stuff from the storage another time, but that was a later problem. She couldn't stay here any longer.

Her eyes lingered a few moments on Jess' door, before she sighed, turned around and walked out of the apartment.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank you for the reviews I've gotten, they make me happy and I will take the time to send thank you's to those of you that reviewed - but until then: Thank you! And here's the next chapter! _

* * *

Rory leaned her head back and let the hot water from the shower rain over her face. The last couple of days had been like travelling back in time; hanging out with Matt, fighting with Jess…kissing Jess.

She ran her hands over her face and tried to shake it all off. This was her life now. Here – with Logan. That was the only thing that mattered and from now on Logan and the wedding would be the only things on her mind.

Jess was a part of her past – Logan was her future. Simple as that.

Turning the water off, she stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. She only wished she hadn't left like that – again. Not because of Jess, no of course not. She had no feelings left there, she assured herself. Besides, the signed divorce papers on the table spoke for themselves – he wanted nothing more to do with her.

No, not because of Jess, but because of Matt. She wished she hadn't left without saying goodbye to him. He had been so hurt about the way she left the last time, and now she'd done it again.

She sighed and wrapped the towel around her body. Maybe she could give him a call, invite him over as soon as she and Logan got settled in San Francisco.

Yeah, she nodded to herself as she walked towards the bedroom. She should do that. He could fly over and they could spend some time together, maybe for a weekend. Hanging out with Matt would be easier when Jess wasn't in the next room.

Because of their fight, of course. Nothing else. If it weren't for the fight she couldn't care less whether Jess was there or not when she was hanging out with her friend. It was not like she was afraid of anything happening. Not at all.

The fight. She stopped in front of the bedroom mirror.

Jess had looked so hurt when she told him about the baby she'd lost. The baby that had forced her to take a closer look at the life she was leading and the life she was throwing away. It hadn't been until she was on the verge of losing her dreams that she had realized just how important they were to her.

_Tears streamed down Rory's face as she entered the apartment. Luckily, she was alone – Matt had dragged Jess with him to his sister's engagement party in Philadelphia. Rory hadn't been able to get out of work and so she was alone for the weekend. She was thankful for that now._

_The doctor had told her that an early miscarriage was something very common and it most probably happened because the embryo had not been developing as it should have. He had been talking in a calm, soothing voice, telling her that it wasn't her fault and that the miscarriage wouldn't affect her chances of getting pregnant again._

_Maybe it was the 'Mrs.' part of her name that had led the nice doctor to believe that the pregnancy was planned, that the baby was one that was wanted and longed for. Maybe he got confused by the tears that seemed to flow endlessly from Rory's eyes. Maybe he thought her eyes were all red and watery because of what she'd just lost. _

_He couldn't know that the baby had been unwelcomed. That she hadn't wanted it or longed for it. He couldn't know that the tears that were streaming down her face until a point where the skin actually hurt from the salt they contained, weren't running over something she'd lost, but over something she hadn't lost – and the guilt she felt over crying for the wrong reasons._

_The worst part of it all, the part that filled Rory with a self-contempt unlike anything she'd ever felt before – was the thought that if her mother had ever felt anything like she did right now, she most probably wouldn't even be. _

_She'd be a nothing. An almost at best._

_Wiping the tears from her eyes, Rory stared at her reflection in the mirror. _

_"No" She said out loud into the empty apartment. "No" She shook her head. Her lost baby wouldn't be a nothing. It wouldn't be an almost. _

_She closed her eyes. She owed it to the baby that never even got a chance be to turn him or her into a something._

_When Rory opened her eyes again, there was a newfound determination in them. A determination that had been lost for a long time. _

_"Maybe it's not the way you had planned it, and maybe it's a poor consolation in comparison to a life…" She spoke as if the baby that hadn't even developed ears before its way towards becoming a life had ended could hear her. "…but I promise you that I will always remember you as the one that made my dreams come true"_

She had been too ashamed to tell Jess about her reasons for leaving, which was why she had snuck out, leaving nothing but a note behind.

Last night, she had thought he would understand. Looking back, it was easy to see that it would have been crazy for them to bring a child into their world of chaos and fighting.

She had wanted him to know. Not because she wanted to inflict pain over the baby he didn't even know they had lost, but because she didn't want him thinking that she'd left because she'd stopped loving him.

She couldn't explain why, but she didn't want him thinking that.

She shook her head and reached for the dress she'd picked out for today's dinner at the grandparent's. She hadn't stopped loving him. She could admit that. He would always have a place in her heart, the way that people that once was a great part of your life always did.

That didn't mean that she loved Logan any less. Jess was her past – she couldn't ignore that he once had been the most important thing in her life, so important that she had given everything and everyone up only to be with him.

But that was in the past. Logan was the future. She sighed. Logan was her future and now she was about to give everything and everyone up for him.

It wasn't the same, she told herself as she zipped the dress up. She wasn't giving anything up this time. Her family and her friends; they would all still be there, only a bit further away. But they would still be in her life.

It wasn't the same. None of it was the same.

Luckily for Rory, her somewhat confused train of thought got interrupted before she had the time to get into just exactly what she meant by that, as she heard someone opening the front door. A feeling that resembled nervousness started flittering in her stomach and she ran her hands over her dress to smooth it out as she exited the bedroom and headed towards the living room, where she immediately spotted Logan, placing his suitcase down.

She smiled at the sight of him and was suddenly overcome with the sudden need to be near him, to feel his arms around her – to make everything that had happened the last couple of days go away. As a result of that need, she rushed towards him and threw herself in his arms.

"Wow!" Logan exclaimed and laughed that way that she loved so much. "If this is the welcome I get, maybe I should go out of town more often"

"I've missed you" Rory mumbled against his neck, without letting go of her somewhat desperate embrace.

"I've only been gone for a couple of days" Logan smiled and kissed her neck.

"It felt longer" Rory whined, and she really meant it. The last two days Logan had been so far out of her mind that he might as well could have been gone for years.

Seeing him again made it all the things she'd been trying so hard not to think about come rushing back to her; how she had lied to him, or at least kept very important aspects of the truth away from him, and how she had betrayed him. Cheated on him even. She hardened her embrace even more, as if that would somehow make up for her bad conscience.

* * *

"I've arranged for you to have a sit-down with Mrs. Dawson on Wednesday" Emily Gilmore informed as she handed Logan and Rory their drinks.

"Mrs. Dawson?" Rory asked, not really having paid attention to her grandmother's monologue about their upcoming wedding.

"The wedding planner" Her grandmother explained, letting it be well known in her tone of voice that Rory should very well know who Mrs. Dawson was.

"Wedding planner?" Rory asked. "Already?"

"Planning a wedding takes time" Emily explained. "Unless you elope of course" She continued with a pointed look towards Lorelai that was sitting at the end of the couch, paying minimal attention.

Lorelai didn't answer, but merely rolled her eyes.

"Have you considered any themes for the wedding?" Emily turned to Rory again as she sat herself down on the opposite couch.

"Themes?"Rory echoed with a confused and just a tad bit scared look on her face.

"Yes" Emily started to sound annoyed. "It would be good if you at least had a few ideas of what kind of ceremony you'd like before you met with Mrs. Dawson, give the woman something to work with"

"What kind of ceremony?" Rory asked, her voice revealing the panic she felt inside. There were different kinds of ceremonies? And themes? White dress and church – wasn't that the standard wedding theme? Wasn't wedding in itself a theme?

"Why are you repeating everything?" Emily turned to Lorelai with a frown on her forehead. "Did you put her up to this?"

"To what?" Lorelai did her best to sound offended, but it seemingly went unnoticed and she shook her head. "They just got engaged, maybe you should ease up on the wedding plans for a bit" She tried to reason with her mother.

"Ease up on the wedding plans?" Emily echoed and was rewarded with a muttered "who's repeating everything now?" from her daughter.

"I don't think you understand this Lorelai" Emily explained, trying her best to keep her annoyance at bay. "This is a Huntzberger-Gilmore wedding. People will expect something spectacular, something out of the ordinary…"

If she hadn't been so busy trying to convince her daughter of the importance in getting the planning of the wedding started up at an early level, Emily Gilmore might have noticed how her granddaughter's face was turning paler and paler with every word she spoke.

"I'm sorry" Rory interrupted her grandmother and placed her drink down on the coffee table. "I'm sorry" She repeated once Emily had stopped speaking. "I need to use the bathroom"

"Are you okay?" Logan turned to look at her and Rory nodded.

"Yeah. I just…" She gestured in the direction of the bathroom. "I'll be right back"

* * *

Rory leaned over the sink and sighed deeply. She wished the planning of the wedding could be postponed just for a dew days, until her divorce-papers were at least sent in. This didn't feel right, planning a wedding while she was still married to someone else.

It made her feel nauseous, and even more so; the fact that she hadn't told Logan about Jess yet. She needed time to get everything in order before she could focus on any kind of planning.

There was a soft knock on the door, interrupting her thoughts.

"Rory?" It was her mother's voice and Rory opened the door to let her in.

"Are you okay?" Lorelai slipped in through the bathroom door and closed it behind her. "You seemed so…distracted in there" Lorelai offered a smile that was meant to be comforting. "If you feel she's deciding too much, just tell her to but out of it"

"No, that's…that's not it." Rory hesitated.

"Are you sure?" Lorelai raised her eyebrows. "'Cause Franck Eggelhoffer in there seems to be more excited about planning this wedding than both you and Logan combined"

Rory bit her lip for a few seconds, before she blurted out: "I went to see Jess."

"Oh." Lorelai looked shocked. "Okay…so how did it go?"

Rory shrugged her shoulders and answered with a neutral voice. "He signed the papers."

"That's good, right sweetie?" Lorelai nodded. "That's what you wanted?"

"I guess so." Rory nodded too.

For several moments, none of them said anything; they simply stood there in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

Eventually, Rory broke the silence. "Could you imagine the look on grandma's face if I told her to 'but out of it'?" She giggled, which made Lorelai do the same.

"Please do" Lorelai pleaded. "It could be my Christmas present, you wouldn't have to get me any other present – ever – if you go in there and tell her to 'but out of it'"

Rory rolled her eyes at her mother. "We should get back"

Lorelai nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. We should get back and tell her to 'but out of it'"

* * *

"Could we stop by a mail box on the way home?" Rory asked as Logan was pulling the car out of the Gilmore's driveway.

"Sure" He nodded.

"Good" Rory placed her hand on her purse, which contained the divorce papers. There was no time like the present.

"What's the rush?" Logan asked with a sideway glance at her.

I should tell him now, Rory thought as she drew a breath to start talking. Right now. I should tell him, right now.

She turned to Logan, but lost her momentum as she saw him smiling and humming along to a song on the radio. He looked so happy. And he had just gotten back from a business trip. And it was rather late. Telling him would lead to talking – and really, wasn't it to late at night to start up a conversation like that? For his sake. He must be tired from travelling.

Rory closed her eyes for a few seconds and made a rush decision. "Just some of Paris' papers that accidentally got mixed up with my stuff when we packed" She lied as she opened her eyes. "You know how Paris is, it's safest to get them back to her as soon as possible before she accuses me of plagiarism"

"Isn't she studying medicine?" Logan raised his eyebrows.

"It's Paris" Rory offered and Logan nodded, satisfied with that explanation.

* * *

With an envelope, destined for a New Haven address in his hand, Matt approached the mailbox a couple of blocks from Truncheon with a determined look on his face. He placed the envelope inside the mailbox and smiled, obviously very content with himself.

"My deepest apologies to you Logan…" He mumbled to himself as he placed the envelope inside the mailbox. "…but I have a different ending in mind for this story"

With a smug smile on his lips, Matt turned around and picked up his walk home, certain that the envelope he'd just sent would have the desired effect on its receiver.


	12. Chapter 12

Two days. Rory stared at the cup of coffee on the table before her. Logan had been home for two days and she still hadn't told him.

She had planned to, so many times, but there was always something getting in the way. First she had postponed telling him because she figured he needed his sleep after returning from California.

The next morning he had woke her up with a series of sweet kisses and she had decided to wait, at least until after breakfast to tell him. He was so happy and she just wanted to savor that moment of romance and bliss for a little longer before ruining the day. And besides, it wasn't the kind of thing you sprung onto someone before they even had had breakfast.

Over breakfast, Logan's father had called and Logan had been in a terrible mood for hours afterwards. Clearly, that was a bad time to tell him.

She had set her mind at telling him over dinner. A nice, private dinner at home, among the boxes were all their stuff where mashed together, waiting for the move across the country. At dinner they would be surrounded by all the evidence she needed to convince him that the guy she accidentally married three years ago was in her past and that he, Logan, was her future.

Just as they sat down to start their dinner, Finn and Colin showed up, demanding Logan and Rory to let them take them out for dinner to celebrate the engagement.

Of course, since it was dinner with Finn and Colin, more than a few drinks were ordered to accompany the food, and so Rory decided to wait until the next morning to tell him. Just wait until they had both sobered up. Alcohol could easily have made the news about her previous marriage into a bigger problem than it actually was.

This morning, Logan had been dressed and on his way to a business meeting of some kind when she woke up. He had apologized for waking her up, he had kissed her and told her to go back to sleep. There hadn't been any time to tell him. This wasn't the kind of thing you just blurted out like that.

And now, here she was. In three hours Logan would be home and this time there was no excuses. Tonight – she was telling him, no matter what.

Rory sighed and stared at her watch. 2 hours and 57 more minutes and then he would know. There would be no more secrets and the past would be left right where it belonged – in the past.

In a useless attempt to distract her thoughts, Rory reached for the stack of unopened mail lying next to her on the coffee-table.

Sorting through the bills, she found an envelope with her name and address written on it in neat letters. She recognized the handwriting in an instant. When living together, she and Matt had exchanged enough notes about trading shifts or running out of coffee for her to recognize his handwriting.

She dropped the bills on the couch next to her and opened the envelope.

* * *

From behind the counter at the Truncheon Books and Coffee, Matt watched Jess as he sat on the couch, hiding behind the cover of a book.

Because that was what he was doing. Hiding. He might be able to fool anyone else, but Matt knew him better than that. He wasn't reading. He was hiding.

He was hiding his hurt and his feelings behind the pages of his book. Just like he'd done the first time she left. Matt figured he must have set some sort of record in plowing through novels the first time she left.

But only the novels she didn't like. He read and re-read them. Every book she'd ever bashed. The one's she loved were gathering dust in the bookshelf until he finally had had enough of watching them staring at him and packed them into boxes.

Matt shook his head.

He would read those books again. The one's she loved. They would be brought back from the boxes and placed in the bookshelf again. She would place them there. He would nag, be grumpy and claim that they didn't belong there, next to the books that were actually worth reading – but secretly, he would love the fact that she was so passionate about it.

And she would make him read them. Matt smiled to himself, because he knew that they had a lifetime of making each other read all those books they were both so passionate about ahead of them.

He wondered if Rory had received his letter yet.

* * *

"You seem distracted" Logan pointed out from across the table as they were digging into their take-out dinner.

"What?" Rory raised her head from staring at her plate and was met with a smile and a set of raised eyebrows. She forced a smile on her lips.

"Exactly" Logan smiled back, he was in a good mood this afternoon. And why wouldn't he be? He was having dinner with his fiancée in the privacy of their home.

"It's nothing" Rory shook her head.

Logan gave her a look, saying he didn't really believe her words, but didn't press on. She was thankful for that.

She still hadn't told him about Jess.

"Have you ever seen the movie 'The Notebook'?" She asked and Logan stirred, surprised at the question that seemed to come from out of nowhere. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. Isn't that some sappy love story?" Without taking his eyes off of her, he took a bite from the spring roll on his plate.

"Yeah" Rory took a deep breath and forced another smile on her lips. "Maybe"

Logan reached for her hand across the table and there was a concerned look on his face. "What's with you tonight? You seem a thousand miles away"

"Nothing" She shook her head and caressed his hand with her fingers. "I'm just tired, that's all"

* * *

Later that night, when Logan had fallen asleep, Rory climbed out of bed, grabbed Matt's letter from the bottom of her sock drawer, where she'd hidden it and sat down in the living room couch.

She had already read the letter enough times to know the words by heart, but she read it anyway and as she read it, tears started falling from her eyes.

* * *

_You remember you told me you thought The Notebook was one of the most romantic movies you'd ever seen? _

_I might not agree with you on that, but come on, don't you see it? Noah built a house 'cause he thought that would make Allie come back. Jess built a bookstore._

_Noah wrote down all their memories, so he could tell them to her when she'd forgotten them, forgotten who she was._

_Jess thinks that no one knows, but I've seen it. I've seen the number of notebooks he filled with words about you. About your memories. About your love._

_I wish I could copy them all and send them to you, because it seems like you need to be reminded of what you had – what you still can have._

_You seem to have forgotten, just like Allie did. I think I can finally understand how incredibly sad a story 'The Notebook' really is. All that love, all those memories – and she's forgotten all about them. _

_When someone dies, as Jenny did in 'Love Story' that's the end of it. You can never get someone back from the dead. It's sad, because death is final, it's permanent._

_But when someone has forgotten, that's even sadder. I get that now. Because when someone has forgotten – they're still there and you'll never stop hoping for even a short glimpse of remembrance._

_Do you remember who you are Rory? _

_Do you remember how much you loved him?_

_A love like that doesn't simply go away. It doesn't disappear without a trace._

_He hasn't forgotten. Not any of it. _

_He went out and got his GED. He wrote a book and got it published. He built a place filled with books and coffee. All the dreams and hopes that the two of you shared – he made them come true, hoping that one day you'd come back._

_Of course, he never said any of it out loud. He never admitted it, but I know him better than he thinks. I know he did it all for you. _

_Do you remember your hopes and dreams? The ones you shared with him?_

_Jess still remembers. That's why he's so bitter. Because it hurts believing that you're the only one that remembers. _

_But I know he isn't. I know you remember too. It just feels safer to pretend that you've forgotten._

_Tell me, have you ever watched that movie and thought, even for a split second, that maybe Allie belonged with Lon instead of Noah? I know I haven't._

_He was simply someone she turned to because she thought it was all over with the man she really loved. But it wasn't over. It isn't over._

_What you need to do is to remember. All of it. Not just the bad things._

_You need to remember how you made up after the fights._

_You need to remember the sweet, kind words that followed the harsh, screamed ones._

_You need to remember what it felt like to be with him. Smile with him. Laugh with him. Love with him._

_I'm begging of you to remember it all – because it's all still there, waiting for you to come back home._

* * *

Rory sighed and looked out into the dark living room in front of her.

Of course she remembered. She had been trying to forget, she had been trying to repress the memories of them being happy. Not because she was afraid, but because it had hurt too much to remember that they had lost it.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of Matt to do this. He didn't know everything. He didn't know the way Jess had looked at her when she'd told him about the baby.

He didn't know about the signed divorce papers on the coffee-table.

He didn't know about the new memories, the ones she'd created with Logan.

Rory buried her head in her hands. She had never felt more confused in her life than she did right at this moment.


End file.
